Cancer scare: Lactating adenoma

I hesitate to publish this post.  It's a tough one to write and reflect back on. BUT that's life.... the good, the bad, the ugly.... we need to deal with every situation and try to make the most of it. On social media I love sharing the "good" and fun memories. I'm not one to publically talk about the "bads" and the "uglys".... I've got a great hubby with an awesome shoulder to cry on and a great listening ear. He gets me through ALL those times.  And in a lot of cases.... my parents also help me through those times.... and in a few cases..... siblings, close friends and family. That's who I go to. Not facebook.... not the family blog. I'm actually a pretty private and closed person when it comes to hardships (at least while they are going on). So this is where my hesitation comes in to publish this (I have written this post for months.... but mostly for myself).

So why?? Why am I deciding to publish it and make these very personal hardships public?? For one: I decided to fill family and friends in with a "pre-eclampsia and bed rest" post after I had Collin. I didn't know what to expect.... But when my little quiet family blog got THOUSANDS of views on that post and I had multiple people (most complete strangers) come to me via email and ask questions and look for comfort as they were going through the same scary diagnoses.... I knew that was my reason for feeling so strong in sharing our story and why I'm doing it again. For two: this trial in particular completely changed my life.  My complete perspective on life. If you can not only learn from your trials.... but have them life altering... they are worth remembering. And 3: quite a few people know bits and pieces of what happened this pregnancy and have asked with genuine concern what happened.  Since we all know all was well in the end.... I'm ready to share some of the tough "bad" and "uglys" of this pregnancy with those family and friends that care. And hopefully my story can help even one person in one way or another.

This pregnancy was..... well..... tough! I knew when I got pregnant that it would not be the "perfect" pregnancy. I had a very strong feeling from the beginning that I would face trials and challenges and I just continually prayed that it was me and my health, and not our sweet baby's! I knew my faith would be tested but if I could stay strong and positive... all would be well. You can read about all of our other scares here .... but for now.... this post is dedicated to this one specific scare:


Cancer scare:
About a week and a half after the blood clot scare-  I was laying in bed, paying bills on the laptop.  I was not even thinking and randomly grazed my hand over my chest.  My heart stopped as I felt a lump.  It was fairly big to have just noticed it just like that.... it was about the size of a golf ball.  I called Erik immediately and told him.... but tried not to be over dramatic and mentioned it was probably a pregnancy thing but was still kind of alarming.  And that's what I went with.... a clogged milk duct or hormone build up that would go away.  One week later... It was not going anywhere and started weighing heavy on my mind.  I called the hospital and spoke with a nurse and asked how I could reduce this thing if it was a clogged duct.  She gave me some advice but really didn't think it was a clogged duct (considering I was only 27 weeks pregnant) but was sure it probably wasn't anything serious and I could wait a few weeks to go in for my regular apt.

I managed to push this concern aside and enjoy my cute boy's second birthday with family.... minus the fact that I felt HORRIBLE.  I don't know how I did it... but I didn't even tell my mom that weekend (I tell her everything).  Why make it a big deal when it wasn't? Right??

After everyone left.... and reality was back in full swing... I couldn't kick the fact that I felt horrible, my vitals were out of whack.... and I have a huge lump in my breast. I quit putting on the happy/nothing is wrong face.... and broke down realizing this could be the big "C" word. I called the nurses again (they probably legit thought I was insane and one of "those" moms but I didn't care). After giving them some symptoms- headache, pain under breast.... they told me to get up to the hospital IMMEDIATELY and that I could have preeclampsia. Erik rushed home from work while I packed up Collin and myself and off we went to the hospital. They did all their test and ruled out pre eclampsia.  That was their only concern and were trying to push me out the door saying I must have a virus or experienced a migraine.  Ok??? That was intense to tell me I had a bad headache.  But hey.... before you push me out the door.... can you give me a breast exam? The OB looked confused but did it anyway.  She felt around while I explained that I had found it a few weeks back, I know it's nothing but I just wanted to make sure, blah blah blah.... she obviously was not listening to a word I said.  She stared at the wall while she felt around and looked VERY concerned.  Suddenly, she stopped trying to force me out the door and treating me like an over paranoid mom.  She looked at Erik and said we weren't going anywhere and she was going to see how soon she could get us an ultrasound on my breast.

And the whirlwind began.

*So this appointment was on a Wednesday (the next day I was going to be 28 weeks.... 3rd trimester!!)*

The OB came back into our room (she was suppose to be bringing me a blanket and tylenol- but that didn't happen) about a minute and 1/2 later. She was stern and serious as she told us we needed to go down the hall to the "breast center" immediately.  She seemed very worried, but I surprisingly remained calm and assumed this is what they were going to do (just not that fast).  I was grateful they were going to check it out and give me answers (still assuming those answers were "clogged duct" or "cyst") so I could stop my stupid head from going to the "c" word.

A few minutes later we were down the hall to the gorgeous "breast center" office.  It was quiet and we were the only patients there.  As we were checking in a few people walked out and whispered "this is her". Um... okay?? They took me straight back and I got into my gown. A minute later the tech came in and asked to point to the general area where I "thought" I had felt a lump. When she felt it she was taken back and said "oh wow!!! That's definitely a lump! We don't need to go searching there. This should be easy." Again... um... ok? She got multiple images... all looked the same to me.... and pointed out what she was looking at- "the lump".  She was done within 5 minutes and said she'd be back with the doctor.  2 minutes later she returned with the radiologist.

It took him all of about 30 seconds as well to see all he needed to see...again, there was no searching needed for this thing.  He sat back in his chair with his hands behind his head and explained to Erik and I that I have "a massive.... well.... tumor". OOoooookkkkkk? BUT I am young, have no family history of breast cancer.... and he is certain it is benign. A "fibroadenoma" is what he was thinking it was.  However, it needs to come out. A needle biopsy will not distinguish what type of tumor this is.... and they need to remove the entire mass and biopsy it to rule out cancer. Not to mention- even if is benign- it is very rapid growing (obviously- look how fast it had already grown.... I just had a breast exam done in February when I first got pregnant and this thing was already about 5cm in diameter- massive!) and needed to come out before it got "gigantic and inoperable". Normally- not a big deal. Erik and I were both pretty wide eyed taking all this in...... but still nodding our heads and going with him that this is benign and no big deal. "I'll have the surgery after that baby or sometime in the next year" was what I was thinking. He told me I needed to have the surgery done ASAP but it would be a full on surgery and I'd need to be totally out.  Because I was pregnant he would need to talk with the surgeon and my OBGYN to see what would be best for the baby as general anesthesia is not ideal. At that point I said.... "well we can just wait for the baby to be born, right? Or at least another 8 weeks and take the baby at 36 weeks and do the surgery?!?!" He saw my concern and informed me that it is not safe to wait that long with a tumor this rapid growing (normally would recommend have the surgery done within the week).... but..... (he kept scratching his head and seemed very uncomfortable)..... he would talk with my OB and the surgeon and get back to us.

We left the hospital that Wednesday evening fairly shocked but still in good spirits.  We knew it was benign and felt like we were far enough along and didn't have much to worry about.... at least for a while! We walked in the door about 5pm and I called my mom to let her know it was indeed a massive tumor... completely benign... but I needed surgery to remove it. Don't know when or where... I have an appointment next week so I'll let her know. Before I could even hang up the phone with her my doctor's office was calling me. I switched lines to hear a very serious Dr. Todd (my OB) on the phone: "Kimber? This is Dr. Todd from [doc. office]. I just spoke with the radiologist and you need to have surgery immediately! You have a huge mass and we don't know if it is cancer or not and the only way of finding out is if we completely remove it." I grabbed Erik and put her on speaker phone.  She explained that the baby will be okay. There was a slight chance that the anesthesia could put me at risk for preterm labor but it is a very small chance and I was far enough along that the baby would be okay and she felt good about doing the surgery.  She mentioned time and time again I really needed this surgery done and she had an awesome surgeon at the same hospital- I would need to go into pre-op the following morning and surgery the next day. Um.... what?!? Ooooookkkkkk....... It was a lot... and it was all happening fast.  I asked time and time again if she was sure the baby was going to be okay and if there was any way I could wait a little longer for surgery.  She continuously told us she highly recommends us do the surgery and that the baby would be okay. Erik and I both looked at each other and nodded like we could read each other's minds.... and I verbally agreed to the surgery (I can't even remember those words coming out of my mouth).  I got off the phone and we talked about how we felt good about this decision and everything would be okay. I think I believed myself. 10 minutes later the phone rang again and it was our surgeon's assistant who confirmed the time for our pre-op the following morning (11:30am Thursday morning) and surgery the following morning (8:00am Friday morning).

Welp- that was nutty!!! I called my mom back and gave her that mouth full! Yikes! We arranged for her and my dad to come up the following evening to help us with Collin so Erik could be by my side during surgery.  Holy crap.... I'm having surgery the day after tomorrow? All I could think about was our sweet girl and continually asked for her to have strength to get through this and stay in for a few more months! Erik gave me a priesthood blessing. The blessing itself was pretty personal and sacred but the gist of it was: that this is just a speed bump and that we will continue to see hardships through this pregnancy but I will hold a healthy baby at the end of all this.  Erik and I were both in tears, but felt comforted by the blessing.

Erik was not technically given vacation or sick days with this internship... and he was already missing quite a bit with this pregnancy so I told him I'd just do the pre-op myself and he would take off all of Friday for the surgery (his bosses totally understood- thank goodness for awesome bosses).  I was not nervous for the pre-op at all! Thursday morning I got Collin and I both ready and headed for the hospital. I was prepared to hear instructions and what to expect for the surgery. I thought I was going in and sit across a table from the surgeon who would tell me; you will arrive at this time, we will go into surgery at this time, you will be in recovery for this amount of time, and you can go home at this time.  Don't eat anything after this time tonight. The end.

Nope. Collin and I got to the hospital and walked the long hall to the surgeon office. It was also gorgeous! And again... we were the only ones there. Doug (the surgeon's assistant) immediately came out and got us.  He informed me Dr. Quayle was trying to make a meeting and didn't have much time, so to quickly get in my gown to speak with him and he will come in and get all my information and vitals after. Um... okay? I was confused as to why I was getting in a gown but didn't have time to think as there was a knock on my door 10 seconds later asking if I was ready. Dr. Quayle came in. He was very polite and I got a good vibe from him.  He mentioned he was doing an ultra sound just so he could see first hand what we were dealing with.  He was also quite taken back the moment he felt the lump..... I'm telling you, it's huge! He only took a few minutes looking at it on the screen and asking me a few questions (when and how did I notice it? Do I feel like it's gotten bigger over the few weeks that I've known it's there? How old am I? Any family history? How far along in pregnancy?) It was a lot like deja vu from the day before. He also asked more friendly questions..... what does my husband do? What do I do? Do we want any more kids? And he even went on to tell me he and his wife have 5 kids. He quickly finished up and let me get dressed.

A minute later I was sitting in a chair dressed with Collin in the chair next to me and Dr. Quayle came back in and sat down next to us. He took a deep breath. No longer friendly chit chat.... he was a different man walking back into that same exam room. He was very professional and serious.

Ready for this??

He first discussed the type of surgery he was going to do. He mentioned (again) that this was a very large tumor and I would need to be completely out. Again- general anesethesia is not ideal for pregnant women as it puts them at risk for pre-term labor.  There is a good chance it wouldn't happen... but there is a chance it could. And if I did go into pre-term labor they do not have the facility to help a 28 week gestational baby and that my baby would need to by life lined to an Albuquerque hospital that specialized in premies. If this were the case... there is a chance our baby COULD survive, but it would take a lot of work. There is a chance the baby would not survive. I need to verbally agree that by doing this surgery I am risking losing my baby.

What?? No! There are always lots of risks during pregnancy and lots of chances you could lose the baby.... but to openly agree to doing something that puts me at risk??? Tears were coming.

I said over and over again between sobs that all I care about is my baby. Do anything you can to save my baby. She is my number one concern and my number one priority.  I'm not doing the surgery!!

THEN he went on to explain the risks of not doing the surgery. Long story short, he said he is hopeful it is a "fibroadenoma" that the radiologist explained to us.  There was a good chance that's all it was.... regardless, it is very rapid growing and needs to come up before it becomes too big and inoperable. I continually said... I don't care. I'll lose my breast before I lose my baby! Lets wait! He needed to get firm with me. He finally said "look Kimber..... this tumor is perfectly mimicking a VERY serious and very aggressive cancer. This is why we are all taking this so seriously and pushing for emergency surgery even though you are pregnant.  The entire team agrees (radiologist, OB, and himself). If you do have this cancer and we wait even one more week..... it is growing so fast we could be letting this cancer spread and go from stage 2 to stage 4. Once this aggressive cancer spreads there is NOTHING we can do. You will have a 50% chance to make it through the first year and you will be DEAD in 2 years tops."

I don't even think I was breathing at this point. Legit.... forgot to breathe.  Do you know how incredibly HARD that was to choke down? To hear that? To hear any of that stuff that I just had to hear those past 3 minutes?? Literally the hardest few minutes of my life.... literally the lowest I have ever felt in my life. Aaannndddd.... the hard, hysterical sobs began.  I was hyperventilating and struggling to catch my breath.  The surgeon had tears. My sweet 2 year old stopped playing with what I had to distract him and reached for my cheeks and whined "momma k?? momma k?" over and over again as he started to cry a soft sympathy cry (how did my barely 2 year old understand the emotion here??).  Bah!! Why is Erik not here with me???

What do you do? It's an epitome of a lose lose situation. Of course I would choose my baby over myself. In a heartbeat!! But feeling my sweet baby in my belly and staring into sweet Collin's very concerned eyes and knowing my babes need their momma.... that solution was suddenly not so black and white. With Dr. Quayle staring at me waiting for an answer.... I said "what.... what?? What would you do?? What if this was YOUR wife sitting in the chair? What if this was your unborn child? We are starting the 3rd trimester! We are picking out names and finishing up her nursery and love this girl more than life itself!! This is an IMPOSSIBLE question. What would you do?" He sympathized with me but still said he'd tell his wife to have the surgery and reiterated that the risk of losing the baby was very small. I gathered myself a little bit and asked how confident he was in doing this surgery. He said "honestly? I'm terrified. I'm scared out of my mind. I'm confident in my surgeon skills, but the thought of having 2 lives in my heads is scary. Especially a tiny, helpless, premature baby's life. I look at you... you are young and have so much life to live. And I can tell you love being a mom and your kids mean more to you than anything. This whole situation is just tough. It flat out sucks!"

You're telling me buddy. The water works started right back up. He got emotional again and told me to think about it and he'd call me later in the day. He then excused himself.  We were going in a circle, I was a mess, and he was 1/2 hour late to his meeting at this point... so I was very okay with him leaving.

The assistant came right in and couldn't even look me in the eyes as I sat there with my little buddy in my arms and cried and cried.  He quietly hooked up the blood pressure cuff and took my other vitals.  The machine tried to take my blood pressure multiple times.  I already had borderline hypertension (high blood pressure) before hearing all this shenanigans... so I can't imagine how high it was at this point.  After 2 or 3 minutes and multiple attempts the assistant shook his head and pulled off the cuff without a reading. He apologized for disturbing me and rushed out of the room.

I gathered myself, my cute boy, and our things and walked out of the hospital with my head down so nobody would see my puffy eyes and give me that sympathy look. FINALLY fresh air!! I prayed like a mad man the second I got outside. I told the Big Guy upstairs that this was an impossible decision to make and I'm throwing my hands up. I had the strongest feeling and knew I would know my answer as soon as the doctor called and that I wouldn't have to make this tough decision..... but to remain faithful. By the time I got to my car, I felt much more at peace than I did in the Doctor's office.... but still very emotional, as you can understand. I broke down multiple more times on that drive home as I called my mom and my husband and had to say those words of the doctor all over again. My sweet Erik took all this VERY hard... to say the least.  In his words, he felt like he had a to give a death sentence to either his daughter or his wife.

About 40 minutes later (10 minutes from home) I got a call from an unknown number. I answered it: "Kimber?? This is Doug, Dr. Quayle's assistant. How far away are you from the hospital? This might sound weird but can you pull over? Dr. Quayle is going to call you and he wants you to come back to the hospital for a biopsy." What?!? A biopsy is not going to tell us anything.  That is why I have not gotten one yet? I kept driving. 2 minutes later I get another phone call. "Kimber? This is Dr. Quayle." I pulled over at this point. "I can not shake this. I can't get this off my mind. I took your case to the board with lots of breast specialist and oncologists..... one lady suggested we take a biopsy.  I explained why that was not an option in your case and that it would not distinguish what type of tumor this is and that your tumor needs to be taken out either way because it is so rapid growing. She understands that, but said to still take multiple pieces of the tumor to biopsy and see if it has the aggressive characteristics of cancer. This is not to determine whether or not you need the surgery... you do NEED this tumor out.... but it will determine whether or not we can buy some time and allow your baby to grow a little more before we do the surgery.  If there is a 65% chance for your baby to survive outside the womb now at 28 weeks, and a 90% chance of your baby to survive outside the womb at 30 weeks.... wouldn't you want to wait 2 more weeks to do the surgery?" Um... yes!!! "If the biopsy comes back with signs of malignancy you will have same day emergency surgery.  If it comes back clear of cancer characteristics we will postpone a few more weeks and let your baby grow and mature a little more before doing the surgery." Sounds perfect!! "I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but if it is at all possible.... I would like you to come back ASAP so we can do the biopsy and rush the results. I should have the results by tomorrow or Monday at the latest." He continued to apologize over and over again.... PLEASE!!! Do NOT apologize!! I will gladly drive back and do this procedure if it helps make this decision!!

15 minutes later we met up with Erik (because... well... I NEEDED my husband. And he hated that I was doing this alone. And the thought of trying to entertain a very sensitive and vulnerable 2 year old by myself while getting a giant needle put in me didn't sound super ideal) at Burger King to grab a bite to eat and let Collin run free on the playground for a second.  Then we made the 50 minute drive BACK to the hospital.  3rd time in the past 24 hours (and about 10 hours of testing and appointments).

Back at the breast center.... they got us right back in and prepped immediately.  I kept my eyes closed the entire time I was in the room.  I didn't know what to expect and what a core biopsy was going to entail.  Erik said it was a VERY good idea that I never looked. The procedure took about 15 minutes and I had a death grip on Erik's hand the entire time.  It wasn't really painful but I could hear the puncture each time they took a chuck out of my breast. My anxiety got the best of me and I ended up on oxygen and they stopped sooner than they planned as I was not doing very well... but they "got what they needed". About 6 pieces of that dang tumor.

I got home and was exhausted.... physically and emotionally. EXHAUSTED!!! I went straight to bed and wanted nothing more than to just turn my brain off and sleep. Erik planned on taking care of Collin, dinner and the house. Thank goodness for awesome husbands!!! Unfortunately.... my sweet little boy was scarred. We did all we could to distract him in that exam room and even the doctors stood to shield him from me during the procedure. He didn't make a peep while we were there and fell asleep on the way home. But he woke up from his short nap and screamed. Screamed inconsolably. Erik tried all his tricks and NOTHING was working. We knew he wanted momma so he tried laying him next time (it didn't feel awesome holding or lifting anything) but that still wasn't doing it. After about an hour of this poor boy sobbing.... and nothing working... I finally just sucked it up and held him. Silence. He embraced me back tighter than ever. The only thing that worked for the rest of the night was for his momma to hold him. And hug him. And to tell him over and over "mommy's okay. Everything is going to be okay." The moment I stopped... the water works started back over.  Poor poor littler guy. It was heartbreaking.      

The next few days were tough! I did my best to stay positive and to keep my faith (as I had been told over and over again that's all I needed to do).  BUT on multiple occasions I failed.  I failed miserably. There were times when I really thought I was going to die. I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming "I can't die!! Collin needs me!! Please don't replace me, Erik!" My heart was in shambles. When we think of all the people who are diagnosed with terminal cancer.... we think of their families and how sad it is for them to lose their loved one.  But we don't think about what goes through the victims head. I still do not understand the depth that goes through their head... but I got a glimpse of it this weekend.  I would have told Erik on my death bed to love again and be happy.... but the thought of him moving on with someone else if I died was absolutely a stab to the heart..... and then twisted in every direction.  And the thought of not being the one to raise my kids?? For me not being around for them. I..... I can't even go there.  Still. Have tears running down my face now writing this and reflecting back on those thoughts.  Again... heartbreaking. No other way to describe it. It was a LONG and tough few days for our little family.

Monday was a long day. I sat with my phone glued to my hand so I would not miss THE phone call. It was toward the end of the day (of course) that I received the phone call.  I was shaking and mentally had to prepare myself for the worst possible news before swiping my phone to answer. "Kimber? This is Doug, Dr. Quayle's assistant.  He is still in surgery but he wanted me to call and tell you that your test results came back and there is no sign of malignancy." Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I jumped out of bed and legit did a happy dance!!! I have never been so happy and so relieved in my life!!! "You have what is called a 'lactating adenoma'..... a very, very rare tumor that is totally benign.  He will call you back in the next few days for more information but for now just know that we do not need to push for immediately surgery." Hal-le-lu-jah! Music to my years.  I thanked him a million times over before rushing into Collin's room to wake him up from his nap and hug him and kiss him all over!!!! Then called my husband and parents who had been calling me every 1/2 of the day.

Again, nothing more than a scare. But boy did that scare change my life!! I vowed to not be on my phone or be distracted in any way when Collin was awake. I wanted to appreciate and cherish each moment I had to be a mom. I vowed to tell Erik over and over again how much I love and appreciate him and to do all I could to be the best wife I could be. To spend as much time with family and loved ones and to make memories. I vowed to just live in the moment and to NEVER take a single day for granted.  Sounds cliche... I know. But it definitely rang true for me. I was terrified to have these thing taken from me and after pleading and pleading with the Big Guy to not.... I felt like this was my second chance.


The following day Dr. Quayle did call back. He expressed how relieved he was with my results. He also pointed out that he and this hospital has NEVER seen a Lactating Adenoma and there is very few cases and studies written on it. He said this tumor was not even in the same family as the tumor they all believed we were dealing with (that the fibroadenoma and the aggressive cancer fell into). He does know it is benign and it will not turn into cancer... which is the most important fact.  But other than that... he didn't know what to expect from this thing. We will take it week by week and see what this thing does.  Ideally- I could make it through my entire pregnancy without surgery. Then re-evaluate after to see if the tumor stops growing or what it does once pregnancy hormones are gone.... and to see what breastfeeding will do to this thing.  He couldn't tell me much and he was going to learn through me. Interesting. But hey.... I'm not complaining!! I'll take that over what could have been!!

The following day Dr. Todd (my OB) also called to let me know she had heard the news.  She also mentioned this was an extremely rare tumor/situation and she had been doing as much research as she could since they have never had to deal with this.  She said after speaking with Dr. Quayle she actually called the "main" breast center in Denver to see if their plan/medical advice was good.  They agreed that postponing the surgery and taking it a week at a time is the best thing. They also reiterated that there are very few cases out there of this diagnosis and the few that have been documented have all been different.  There is nothing set in stone of what to expect and what this tumor will do.  But to monitor growth, shape, and pain levels.

So... there it is. I have been back a handful of times to breast specialist and to my surgeon (along with getting exams from my OB and midwifes almost every visit). Even switching hospitals and talking to MANY other lactation specialist, breast specialist, midwives, and OBs...... NOBODY has seen this type of tumor. I am the guinea pig. The "special" one is what they called me. Yay! It hasn't gotten significantly bigger so they have not forced me to do the surgery yet.  Latest update from the surgeon was: it needs to come out eventually.  Even if it doesn't get any bigger. He mentioned the tumor is growing off my milk ducts and he worries that with the surgery there is a risk of cutting some of those ducts.... and I could have milk come out my incision while breastfeeding (blah! tmi?? haha sorry!). But as long as I am not noticing a huge change in size and I can tolerate the pain.... it is in my hands and I can choose when it is I would like to do the surgery.

So if you are diagnosed with this.... for me (questions NOBODY could answer)... I was able to breastfeed on that side. It was quite a bit more painful those first few days but not horrible..... okay.... pretty horrible! I won't lie to you. It is still painful (some days more than others) but very tolerable.... especially if it means I can continually postpone surgery. And it surprisingly has not grown much since delivering Hadley (so in my case... it was the pregnancy hormones acting as steroids causing this tumor to grow so rapidly). Any other questions??  We have a plan A, B and C. Ideally I would love to breastfeed Hadley for her entire first year then do the surgery shortly after. I'll meet back up with our original surgeon in January to see how we are doing.

*Yes... we did ask why the heck a biopsy was not taken to begin with. I am beyond grateful for the results and that this was ultimately no big deal. BUT I was hours away from doing a pretty big surgery that could have resulted in losing my baby! We wanted answers! Why is a needle biopsy not protocol to ALWAYS being the first step in this process?? Our team said the same thing.... they all honestly thought they were dealing with this cancer. They couldn't come out and say that.... but the characteristic were scary and they wanted that tumor out.  And if not that tumor- they were certain it was in that family of tumors which is all rapid growing and, again, you can't distinguish which one until that entire mass is biopsied.  Not to mention... a "lactating adenoma" was not even in mind considering it is so incredibly rare. Fair enough.

I'm also not upset with my surgeon for telling me those things.  I know it is his job to explain all the risks.... even "worst case scenarios".  And lets be honest... I needed him to be harsh with me.  Even if it was just part of my trial I needed to go through and learn from. I still think very highly of him and of our hospital. I'm grateful they went out of their way on multiple occasions to further their knowledge and educate themselves on our condition/diagnoses.  Both our surgeon and our doctor called me personally on many occasions (not only to fill me in but to see how I was doing) and took a lot of time  on our case.... even though I know they are crazy busy and they didn't need to do that! I am so grateful for them!!**

Again, I know I needed to go through this trial. It definitely tested my faith.... and I definitely failed! Lol well at some points.  I don't think Erik has given as many priesthood blessing in his life than he gave that week..... and I don't think I have prayed that much in my life (we are talking most hours of the night). I didn't want to talk to anyone about it... but certain people knew for various reasons (like Erik's bosses, mentors, and a few co-workers... our relief society president, our immediate families, very few friends, and whoever they told) and the amount of love and prayers we received was humbling.  Random people from work and church came to Erik and told him they traveled several hours to the temple to put his wive's name in. Incredible. My testimony and faith truly grew by leaps and bounds with this whole experiences.

Wow! That was a long one....

Pregnancy scares.......

MISCARRIAGE scare:
At 10 weeks I came home from church as I was sitting in a good amount of blood. My heart immediately sank and my mind obviously went "there".  Erik and I were both heart broken... we cried, and Erik did all he could to comfort me (all while being totally torn himself).  He got on the internet and tried to keep me positive by telling me it didn't sound like the "m" word.  Neither one of us could even say the real word.  When we called the doctor the next morning and explained what happened.... because there was no cramping they didn't believe it was a miscarriage either. They told me it could be a fluke thing... and to call again if cramping came with it, otherwise not to worry about it and come in the following week for my routine monthly check up.  Good one, right? Don't worry??  Impossible.  I flipped out with every pain in my abdomen (which when you are pregnant... is a lot!). Luckily the following week they found the heartbeat for us and we cried happy tears and were soooo relieved!! But no answers other than "sometimes that just happens."

At 14 weeks.... I literally had just posted to the facebook world that we were expecting baby number 2!! We were in the second trimester... I was feeling great, and we were so excited!! Literally 10 minutes later.... I was in a POOL of blood.  Yes.... much more than last time.  A pool of bright red blood.... everywhere (sorry for tmi). This time I KNEW "this is it".  Again... heartbreak.  Literally, no other word to describe it. Erik and I sobbed the rest of the night.  It was horrible and my heart completely breaks for anyone who has gone through a miscarriage!! Especially someone very close to me who has gone through it multiple times!!

I called the doctor again the following morning and this time, after explaining what happened, they had me come right in. Erik was in training... and luckily Erik's parents were in town so Collin stayed with them.... so I drove the 45 minutes up to the hospital by myself for this appointment.  I plead with the Big Man upstairs that entire drive not to take my baby. I tried to stay positive and remain hopeful but it was still a tough drive.  I broke down the moment I sat on the doc table.... and the doctor was so sweet to me! She found the heartbeat on the Doppler immediately (thank goodness!!! I could have jumped off the table and hugged her... oh wait... I did!!). She then decided to order me an ultra sound because she said "it would be good for me to see the baby". Um.... thank you!!! I loved seeing that sweet little peanut moving inside me... and they even predicted the gender... "Boy!!" lol. At the end she told me I had a "subchorionic hematoma" which is a blood filled sac on the outside of the placenta. Sometimes it can "leak" and cause a hemorrhage but it does not harm the baby bc it is on the outside of the placenta.  Sometimes they could jeopardize the pregnancy but because mine appeared to be small and "shrinking" rather than growing.... she said it was not of concern.  But not to be alarmed if I bled again.  THANK YOU! All I wanted was answers (and of course a healthy baby)... and I could finally sleep again at night.

Blood Clot scare:
I was just over 24 weeks pregnant and just getting back from an awesome family vacation in California.  Luckily, I had a doctor apt the day after travels because I could hardly walk.  I went in and it looked like I had a huge calf muscles (I was pretty impressed with myself until I noticed it was only on one side).  The doctor asked me a few questions and brought up the driving/plane ride.  I mentioned my calf hurt and it felt like I had a permanent cramp that wouldn't let up.  She felt around and looked very concerned.  So..... off I went to get an ultra sound on my leg and did about 4 hours of testing to ensure there was no blood clot in my leg.... or that the clot hadn't traveled to my lungs. I was positive it wasn't anything serious... but I did have another major panic attack that day. I was told if it was a clot that I would be hospitalize for 2 weeks.... 14 days away from Collin??? That was my biggest concern (I don't really think I realized the danger to myself or to baby this could have brought up).  They called me back into the OB's office and the doctor told me ultra sounds and tests came back and led them to no longer believe there was a clot.  THANK YOU!! Again, just another scare. Other tests came back a little off- oxygen levels were low, iron was low, blood sugar was low, temp was slightly elevated as was my blood pressure. Basically.... I am out of whack, but nothing too concerning YET!  I was just advised to start taking it easy.

Cancer Scare:
Yes... you read that correct. Insane. I will go into MUCH more detail on a separate post. This started about a week after the blood clot scare and went on for about 3 weeks before a diagnosis.

Gestational diabetes:
Literally- the day after I got my diagnosis ^ I was back in the car chugging that nasty sugary drink and driving the 45 minutes back (for like the 8th time) to our hospital/clinic. I was 28.5 weeks. This was just my regular routine/monthly check up with a midwife (my OB doctor had called with everything going on and set up another appointment with her a few days later) but I was still HOPING to get some answers in regards to the tumor diagnosis. I had A LOT of questions.

Unfortunately, the midwife did not have any answers.... in fact, she did not even know what had been going on with me... good one right?? (This hospital does things a little different with prenatal care that I was not super fond of... like never having a set midwife or doctor to see unless you request it or there is a need for it. But we changed that, don't worry). HOWEVER, she did come back in the room to inform me I had failed my glucose test.  HAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAH. Literally, that is all is could do at this point. oh yeah, and say "of course I did". I think the midwife thought I had completely lost my mind. But honestly, can you blame me? Any possible scare you could have happen... has happened. So why not add gestational diabetes to the list?? I figured it was just another scare and got permission to go on vacation with my family for a week and pick up MORE testing when I got back. The entire team agree that was the best thing for baby and I, so off I went to bear lake and to visit my Utah family!!

Every time I had a sweet I would say "I should probably watch what I eat because APPARENTLY I have diabetes..." I honestly did NOT think I did and just rolled my eyes at the thought (plenty of women fail the 1 hour glucose test and find it was just a fluke and go on to pass the 3 hour glucose test).  I was having weekly checkups for other health reasons (tumor) with my OB at this point and every week she was on me about doing my 3 hour glucose test. I kept saying "I know I don't have it.... can I do the one hour again? Or just not worry about it at all?" She agreed that she didn't think I had it but insisted I still HAD to do the test.

Fine. At 32 weeks I finally went in and did that stinking, dreadful 3 HOUR test!! They called the next day: "Kimber? Unfortunately you did not pass your 3 hour test and you have gestational diabetes." She went on to set up times for MORE tests, and MORE appointments with the diabetic specialist. What?!?!? I was shocked!! And heartbroken. And felt SOOO guilty I had waited so long to take the test as those were more weeks I was not eating the best or controlling the diabetes for my sweet little babe and her tiny pancreas. Meh!!

I tried REALLY hard not to "google" anything and to just listen to my OB and diabetes educator (who both were shocked and said it didn't make sense... and just chalked me up for having bad luck this pregnancy)...... but just like any pregnancy related health problem you google, you see the words "stillborn" and read about the risks of further complications. Again... stress.

Luckily my numbers weren't horrible and I was told that I could probably manage the diabetes through diet and exercise alone and probably wouldn't need insulin shots or pills. BUT I did have to follow a VERY strict diet and calorie count.... and check my blood sugar levels at least 4 specific times a day (insert whiny face).  It was TOUGH!!! I totally have a new found respect with anyone with diabetes. I got a teeny tiny glimpse into your world for a very short time.... so I know it doesn't really cound- but I still feel so bad for you!!! I pretty much starved myself for the first few days bc I had no idea what to eat and I really didn't want bad readings.... and lets be honest..... ALL I wanted was carbs!!! and I hated meat and eggs and the word "protein". SOL! I soon figured out (with the help for my specialist) a few things I could eat and got the hang of meals- and carb counting- and I didn't gain a million pounds which was nice. I HATED pricking my finger (I said this whole pregnancy I would rather get my blood drawn a thousand times than to prick my finger. Why does that tiny needle hurt soooooo bad?!). Erik was decent at it and would always do it for me if he was home. But there were at least 2 readings every day that I would have to do myself. And it was the worst!! Especially the one when I first woke up because my hands would be so swollen and I couldn't get myself to bleed so it was take about 13-14 pricks before I could get an accurate reading. Yeah... it sucked!! But after a few weeks I finally started getting the hang of it all and kept reminding myself it could all be MUCH worse!!

Pre-eclampsia:
Unfortunately- this one was not a scare either. At 35 weeks I was showing signs of pre-eclampsia and was hospitalized over night.  I was on strict bed rest to try to allow our sweet girl to grow and develop a little more.  At 36 weeks it turned into severe preeclampsia. Again, another long, detailed post to come on this soon!!

It was a crazy one!! I wasn't lying! But I'd do it ALL over again in a heartbeat for our sweet girl!!

Watch this bump grow.... AGAIN!

If anyone knows me.... You know I am obsessed with pictures and documenting, I love being pregnant, and I love baby bumps. (I know.... I'm weird!! I'm very aware of this.) Hence the blog posts of my bumps come about. This is round two... sweet Hadley growing in my belly :)

1st Trimester:

We had been trying for this little sweet pea. I REALLY didn't think were getting pregnant in December and we had kind of decided to just put it off until the new year and just enjoy the holidays.  

Christmas day: I felt normal and awesome all morning. By the afternoon I had a HORRIBLE headache. And by that night I hated life! I felt like I was on those stinking teacups (you know... the ride at amusement parks where you spin and spin and spin some more until you are sick? yeah,... I hate those things!!) and everything was spinning even when I was laying down, and I was beyond nauseous! I went to bed early and thought I had caught a bug. *Remember- I did not get sick with Collin at all so I wouldn't even know what morning sickness felt like*. I did have a slight thought that that's what it could have been and found myself googling how fast you could feel morning sickness- then pushed the thought aside thinking there was NO WAY it would hit me that soon.

The entire next week I felt pretty horrible. Headaches, nausea, fatigue. I knew it was just a bug but still took a couple pregnancy tests that week in hopes that's what it was- all came back negative. 

New Years Day: my belly was poking out (no joke!) and I LOOKED pregnant. Granted- I would have only been like 4 weeks and you are NOT suppose to be "showing" that soon. I think I was just bloated from all the holiday food but hey- I had one test left in my box and decided to take it while everyone was down stairs chillin' out and Collin was napping.  Welp- we all know what the final result was there.

We were all so so SOOOOOO excited!! But yes- I knew exactly how this 1st trimester was going to go. NOTHING like my first pregnancy.

Pretty much from day one- the 1st trimester was a lot rougher this go around.  I never felt "great" but weeks 7-11 were by far the worst!. It was a task for me to move from my bed to the couch... and yes, I had a 1.5 year old.  That doesn't mix.  But thank heavens for an AWESOME little boy who loves watching movies and reading books.... and we got creative with play time (our favorite thing to do was for me to shoot darts and he would giggle and go fetch them and bring them back to me.... and that would go on for hours. what?! you treated your toddler like a dog? Why yes, yes I did.). And also- thank goodness for an awesome hubby! He worked, cleaned the house, made dinner, and took care of Collin once he got home at 3 those 4 weeks. Yep- he is AWESOME! And yep- I felt like the worst mom and wife... and so worthless! But we made it through those rough weeks!

My cravings were also opposite.  With Collin I wanted fruit- and lots of it. This time I wanted salty- I could have eaten an entire tub of pub mix and a box of white cheddar cheez-its every.single.day!!! mmmmm!!!! Jolly ranchers saved my life (helped with the nausea some how? don't ask.)

Also- weight gain was opposite.  My first pregnancy I lost 15lbs. Yeah---- def didn't lose ANYTHING this time! My uterus recognized those hormones and expanded RIGHT away!  

(8 Weeks)

(10 weeks)

(12 weeks)

2nd Trimester:

I was back to feeling great.. and remembered why I love being pregnant. This trimester was actually very similar in both pregnancies.  Energy was back up.... belly started to slowly form into a baby bump rather than a beer-belly-look-a-like... we found out we were having a GIRL!!.... felt baby move (she was a gymnast!!), AND did I mention I was not sick at all? Man.... I love this trimester!

Food cravings were cereal and rocky road ice cream!! Mmmmm!! Lucky charms!! Mmmm! Cinnamon toast crunch!

 (14 weeks)

(16 weeks)

(18 weeks)

 (20 weeks)

 (20 weeks- it's a girl!!)

(20 weeks)

 (22 weeks)

(24 weeks)

(26 weeks)

3rd Trimester:

This was a crazy/blurry/whirlwind of a trimester. I honestly don't remember much of this triemester... and it was cut early as I delivered our sweet pea at 36 weeks.  For the most part (minus the last week) I felt good. Still loved being pregnant, still had a tiny bit of energy. Enough anyway. By 7 I was in the bath and "done" for the day. Round ligament pain was in full effect! Back pain... and peeing every 10 seconds were also on the agenda for this trimester (seriously- up at least 7 times a night using the bathroom)... but for the most part, it wasn't bad at all! 

Food cravings...... fruity and gummy. Definitely sugary junk food is what I craved! I did have gestational diabetes (more coming on that) so I had to be very careful with my diet and most of my cravings were never satisfied (insert sad face). However, I did only gain about 6lbs this trimester where I would have most likely gained like 30 if I wasn't counting carbs... so for that  I am grateful! But man.... give me a freaking doughnut!!  

Aw: sweet Hadley girl grew like a champ, these last few weeks... am I right?!?

 (28 weeks)

(32 weeks)

(32 weeks)

(34 weeks)

 (34 weeks- maternity pictures from the awesome Kayla Kitt's Photography)

 (36 weeks)

 (36 weeks- the day I went to the hospital to have our sweet girl!)

Welp- there it is! Baby Girl Fitz's journey and transformation in my bellay! A fast post for a fast pregnancy! I love being pregnant and everything about pregnancy fascinates me. I mean, like..... what??!! Seriously, think about it? It's nuts! I legit made a real human (well- with Erik's help, of course)... with a complex brain, a beating heart, and other vital organs!! Crazy! I love feeling baby moving inside me... I love Erik's eyes light up every time he felt her kick, I love knowing she was ALWAYS with me. I am so, so, soooooo grateful I get to experience all of this! It was ALL equally as amazing, exciting, and life changing the second time around! 

This was pregnancy number 2 in a nutshell. I left the crazy (and it was CRAZY) parts out but I will be doing a separate post for all that soon! Stay tuned!!

10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT YOU!

1.) I love that we can leave the past in the past (but still constantly smile at all the many incredible memories we have), that we can live for and enjoy the present, and that we can dream together about our future. I love that we share the same hopes, dreams, and goals for each other and our family!

2.) I love that you still give me butterflies EVERY single day.  I love that you constantly send me the sweetest texts all day long that make me giddy like a little school girl.  I love that you never forget to kiss me good bye and tell me you love me (even at 5:30am). And I love that my heart literally feels like it's in my throat every time you walk through that door!

3.) I love that you are the hardest worker I know.  You are so determined and want nothing less than the best for your family! You may take the longer road to get there..... but it is that path that you know will provide the best future for your family so you tough it out and never complain.  Petroleum Engineering is one of the hardest degrees out there and you have worked your booty off for that degree and for your career path.

4.) I love that you are the best husband! You are always there to listen, to take care of me---- make sure I've been drinking plenty of water, asking how I'm feeling, drawing me my bath because you know they are my favorite---- you aren't afraid to do dishes or laundry (how lucky am I??) and help around the house even after you have been gone all day working! You are so sweet to me and treat me like I'm the only woman in this world. You always make me feel so special!

5.) I love that you are the best daddy in the world!!! You are so amazing with Collin! Excited to change diapers, give baths, wake up in the mornings with him, comfort him when he is sad. Not to mention...... throw balls to (at) him, take him outside to run around and drive his hot wheel, take him swimming and on new adventures, etc.  I love your face when you come home and see that little boy running full speed into your arms. Melts my heart! And I love that you talk to our sweet girl, that you fall asleep with your hand across my belly every night, and that your eyes get HUGE with excitement every time you feel her move.

6.) I love that you are hilarious!!! You are constantly making me laugh until I cry.... or pee my pants a little! haha. You are so much fun to be around and there is never a dull moment with you!!

7.) I love that you HATE to fight.  Literally drives you crazy. Legit.... crazy!! You have FINALLY learned that you just don't talk to me when I am mad. But you can't stand it..... you pace back and forth outside our room and come in every few minutes to ask "if we can talk yet".  I love that you care. I love that you NEED to talk it out.

8.) I love that you are truly my best friend! I want to spend every single second of every single day with you! I love being around you. I love that we can talk about anything and everything.  Even on our long road trips that we love taking.... there is never a silent/awkward moment (even if we have reminisced and laughed about the same memories 27 times over our 8 years together).  We are always having fun, always looking for new adventures together, always (okay, not always.... but close) enjoying each other company, always supporting each other and routing for each other, always sharing our deepest and darkest secrets with each other, and always looking for reasons to laugh together.

9.) I love that you chose me to spend forever with!! To be your wife, your co-parent, your best friend, and your life partner. Lets be honest...... ridiculous good looking, smart, hard working, dedicated, family man, funny, great communicator, ambitious, amazing..... you definitely had your pick! I'm so glad you picked me, that you fought for me for all those crazy years, and that you have loved me like nobody has..... given me a love that I could not have even imagined in my wildest dreams. I love, love, love that I get to spend forever with you by my side! I am the luckiest!!!

10.) I love that you are YOU! You are incredible, Mr. Fitzgerald!! They don't get much better than you! Always be you. Always be amazing. I love you so much!!

Happy 4 years!!!

Our beautiful Bloomfield home

I'm not good at blogging.... we have established this. But I need to make more space on my camera so I'm going to post a million pictures I have taken of our gorgeous new home we are living in!! 

For those of you who do not know.... we have been living in Northern New Mexico (about 20 minutes from the Colorado border) since the beginning of the year. Erik has taken a job with ConocoPhillips- it's actually a co-op position. He has a few credits left before graduation but Conoco (an amazing company and Erik's number one choice to work for) snags their potential engineers before they graduate and trains them and sees how they "fit in" with the company before offering a permanent position.  Their original offer is to go work for them for 4 months (looks AMAZING on resumes and we knew this is their hiring process so we accepted immediately). The next step is for you to rock it.... and for them to love you..... and then they formally ask you to extend your employment/training with them for another 4 months. So... obviously Erik is awesome and we are here for the entire 8 months (until the middle of August).  They pay you and treat you just like the rest of their engineers (which is AWESOME!!) and he is loving it there!!  From there we will be going back to Los Lunas (baby is due the second week of Sept) and Erik will finish his last few classes of school and will officially be a Petroleum and Natural Gas Engineer in December!! Yay!! In Sept ConocoPhillips will let Erik know if they are offering him a permanent position and which location he will be at (right before career fairs start and other companies have a chance to grab him). Either way.... We should know by October where we will be PERMANENTLY (thank goodness... we have had 4 homes in the past year) come January, 2015!! 

With that being said..... everything is still up in the air! This home has the potential to be a permanent home (we would love for it to be.... but there are still lots of pending factors). And even if it is not, it is definitely a home we will always remember and a home we will be basing our ideas from if we ever have an opportunity to build a custom home!! I love everything about this house.  So I'll stop writing and let you enjoy it all via pictures (p.s. I'm horrible at taking pictures and I feel my skills do not give this gorgeous home justice- so just come visit us and see it in person- but at least you have an idea!)

**Note: I'm very aware we still have lots of work to do. I could use lots of art work.... rugs, more bar stools, furniture, decor, etc.  But if we wait for my allowance  the funds and time to finish filling this huge 3,000 sq foot home.... I would never get around to posting pictures. 

THE TOUR:

When you walk in.... you will come into this gorgeous entryway.  The custom 10 ft huge front door is something in and of itself.  The floor is beautiful and the crazy high vaulted ceiling in the entry way is immaculate!  

Once you are in.... this is what you see:

Our open living room....

With a gorgeous wood burning fireplace.

And it then opens up into another room that we use as Collin's toy room (I thought I would hate having a toy room out in the open but I actually love it!)

It also opens up into our dining room

And then into the kitchen!! I love, love love the kitchen!!!

I love the detail in this kitchen.... from the gorgeous custom cabinets and granite counter tops, to the cute chalk board inside the pantry for grocery lists or meal plans, to the built in spice racks, and the awesome wine rack and wine cooler (for our purposes it is a juice and pop cooler... but still awesome!).

Moving on.... right off from the entryway is the office. 

 And off to the other side is a hallway with a guest bathroom.

 Again, with the detail! I'm obsessed with this sink.

 And down that hall we have our guest bedroom (come on.... I know you want to come stay with us!!)

 The guest bedroom has a nice big walk in closet, this vanity.... and access to the jack and jill bathroom (love the jack and jill bathrooms!!)

 And here is the view from the opposite side of the j&j bathroom..... Little man's side!!

Both have good size closets and tons of shelving (again, not shown through my pictures).

 And Collin's cute room!!

On the opposite side of the house (off of the kitchen)...... we have our master bedroom! It is huge! It makes our furniture look tiny lol. But I love how open and huge it is (we WILL have a king size one day!!)

 And here we have our master bedroom (perhaps my favorite room in the whole house!!). The make-up vanity, the counter tops, all the cabinets and space, THAT tub, and.....

 this shower!! Oh.... this shower!! A huge, walk in.... double headed shower! Love love love!! It's hard to photograph.... but trust me...... it's freakin awesome! Erik and I are not fancy and don't NEED any of the fancy things this home has (although we definitely love and appreciate it all), but we have both said this is the one thing we love and it would be hard to go back to a "normal" shower after being spoiled with this guy.

 off the bathroom we have our walk in closet.....

 that leads to the laundry room (genius?? I think so!!).

 Love the big folding table and the built in laundry hampers (this lady does pinterest doesn't she?? She seriously thought of everything!!)

From the laundry room, you are guided out to the back hallway. Which has another HUGE closet that we use to store brooms, mops, vacuum, and it has tons of shelving for all our cleaner..... and then a door to the 3 and 1/2 car garage. It is also massive and probably Erik's favorite space of the house (I don't even have a picture of it... oops.) 

From the built in surround sound throughout the entire house (including the garage and back patio), the crazy details in even the lighting and electrical work, the details and molding in all the ceilings, anti-slam drawers, cordless blinds, all the closet/shelving/cabinet space.... there is not any wasted space in this house, plus all the other details I've already pointed house.... This house is custom-ed to the T! And I love how open everything is! The home owners and the builders did an amazing job with this house!!! 

I don't feel comfortable posting a picture of the front of our house..... but just to give you an idea of the style:

We are located on 1.5 acres.  It's pretty much just all grass (which we LOVE!) and they have this cute playground/swing set.

 There is pastures every which way your look from our property. We are VERY country out here! This is our view from the back of the house. Gorgeous?? I think so!! I love sitting outside and watching all the horse run.... and behind the horse pasture is the San Juan River. There is tons of wild life back here and it is not unusual to see an entire family of deer on the back side of these pastures (tonight I watched our neighbors cow clean her brand new baby behind one of the trees... I didn't watch her give birth- thank goodness- but our neighbor said it had just happened).  It is so quiet, peaceful, and gorgeous! Water just came in to the irrigation ditch last week so I'm excited to see it all green and even more beautiful! We love living in the country... we love all the space..... sugar is in heaven out here! And so is Collin!! 

  

 So.... there you have it!! Our beautiful Bloomfield home!!