I don't normally like posting negative or depressing things on our blog or facebook. I like to document and remember the fun and exciting things in life. But today I just need to vent. I am in a funk, and can't seem to get out of it. I have decided to take my emotion to the blog.
It has been a rough few days. I can't stop crying. Yesterday I received news that a sweet friend (who was 2 week AHEAD in her pregnancy) lost her baby. As she visits me every month, we exchange stories of pregnancy and the crazy changes our bodies are going through. We talk about the terrors of labor and delivery. We talk about the pros and cons of having a boy or girl (she wanted to be surprised and did not find out the sex of her baby). We talk about having play dates this summer, and joining play group, as our babies would be so close in age......
And just like that. Without warning... her baby is gone. We are in our last trimester of pregnancy.... we are getting nurseries ready, and planning showers, and preparing for these babies to get her in a few short months.... what??!! My heart hurts for my friend and her family. I can't even begin to imagine what she is going through.
I don't care what anyone says- these babies are 100% apart of us. Even if we have not met them yet, the love is there. I love our little boy more than anything. As I lay in bed with Erik's hand around my stomach feeling the baby do "gymnastics".... we both have the biggest smiles and I know this little guy means the world to both of us. I can't bear the thought of losing this guy- not 20 weeks ago, not now!
I'm upset and confused..... why would this happen? It doesn't make sense to me.
My heart breaks for my friend, and for anyone who has lost a child- inside the womb or later in life. Some of the closest people to me have had to go through miscarriages, and just because "they have not met them" does not mean the incredibly deep love is not there.
I feel selfish and guilty. As our little guy is bouncing around like crazy- I can't help but feel guilty in times like these. And I feel selfish that I can't stop thinking about "what if something happens to our baby??"
I am grateful for my family. I am especially grateful for my sweet husband (he knows how much this has upset me and has rearranged his schedule so he can be there to comfort me, constantly reminding me that "everything is going to be okay"), and for our sweet son- I'm so grateful for the plan of happiness and to know I will spend eternity with them.
This all has reminded me to not take anything for granted. I want to savor every moment I can with my loved ones- especially our baby.
Thoughts and prayers to my friend and her family, and to any of you who can relate!
This happened to a girl I visit taught in my last ward. She was a member but her husband wasn't baptized until later. Honestly just thinking of that is a miracle in itself. He played baseball in the minor leagues. Anyway, the best thing to do is not feel awkward around your friend and avoid talking to her about certain things. Talking is always the best cure but sometimes has to wait until they're ready to talk. I know that once the girl I knew lost her baby people kind of backed off and didn't talk to her as much because they didn't know what to say. What you need most is someone to talk to about it. She was around 6 months when she lost her baby and it's not an easy process when your baby is that far along. Support is a necessity to get through hard times. Another girl I visit taught and became good friends with also lost her baby when I was pregnant with Grace. We were a few weeks apart as well and my VT companion was in the early months of pregnancy too. She handled it really well and even showed us pictures etc. Everyone handles it differently. It's sad to think of all the hardships people go through, losing a child is one of the worst.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry too much about your baby because stressing about those things makes life hard and we just have to accept that what happens, happens and we mold ourselves to live and learn through those experiences. After the first baby it seems easier not to stress as much. Every first time mom is a wreck, especially after the baby is born and SIDS come into play. Believe me, you'll soon understand when the baby starts sleeping through the night and you're constantly checking-in those first few nights even though you're sleep deprived. Just hold your head high and think of Crystal as a perfect example of strength.
Me as I personally went trough that 2 years ago with my twins!!.. It's really hard!!.. And u dot want to know nothing that will remind you of ur lost!!.. But in time she will heal and well be able to talk about it with out asking your self why this happened to me!!.. Is it my fault or who's!!.. It's hard but time heals everything and the love for those little angels is not less than the live I have for my son!..
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your friend Kimber. Prayers for her and her family and for you, Erik and your precious little boy. They say everything happens for a reason, though we may not understand, God knows what he is doing and doesnt give us more than we can handle. Everything will be fine with your little one. Just keep the faith that I know you and Erik have. God bless you always.
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