Preeclampsia and bed rest.... Round 2

*A little background.  Erik's last day of his internship @Conoco was August 15th.... His first day of his LAST semester of school was August 18th. Which means we would move back to Albuquerque for the fall that weekend. I was going to be 36 weeks pregnant August 14th.... I had it approved from hospitals, doctors, and insurances and I was good to transfer care that last month of pregnancy and be HOME to enjoy those last few weeks and deliver at the same hospital I had Collin. Perfect, right??!! 

As I'm sure you've read.... this pregnancy was nothing short of crazy and a little too exciting for ANYONE involved.  As we got closer (I think at about 32 weeks).... our doctor told us we HAD to start care and do our 36 week appointment with our delivering hospital and she would only sign off to travel back the weekend before (August 8th). Not horrible.... we'd be away from Erik for a week but not the end of the world.*

**Side note: This entire week was a complete blur! I was pretty drugged up a good portion of it.... and I also totally believe in "postpartum amnesia"... but mostly just very out of it! I remember bits and pieces- and thank goodness for my husband and LOTS of text messages to some close friends and family that I have gone over and over- I've managed to piece quite a bit together and write this entry.

Wednesday August 6th, 2014

Today was the day I had all my appointments to sign off and get approved for transfer. I had appointments with the diabetic specialist, the OB, and our surgeon. 

Each of them gave us lots of information, advice, and their approval to transfer care this late in the game (although not ideal). We signed papers and hugged it out (well not the diabetic specialist... we didn't know her- that would have been weird.  But the surgeon and the OB- they were there A LOT for us the past few months and we will forever be grateful for them).  3 for 3. yay! Finally some good doctor visits. Well.... almost. At our OB appointment I did have high blood pressure and a headache. She sent me down to get blood work done so they could check for preeclampsia (I informed her that I had a been a teeny bit stress out at home* and assumed that's what it was. We were both confident it was not preeclampsia yet). She said she'd call me as soon as she got results for the "final okay" to travel back to Albuquerque.

*At home we were in a world of unknowns. Every thing was up in the air with ConocoPhilips (no official word on permanent positions), with our home owners. We had prepared for a move back home for 4 months.... but.... then what?? Were we coming right back? Never coming back? What do we do with all our stuff? With the house?? Do you see where the stress/high blood pressure was coming from? SO with zero answers a week before it was time for me to get back to Albuquerque.... we decided to just pack up our entire house and store everything in our garage until we had word on what the next chapter was (in our head that made for a day trip back to load a moving van vs a week long project of packing everything up into boxes and then loading..... during or right after having a baby.... if that's what needed to be done). 

Thursday August 7th

Our OB called me right at 8am. She explained all my blood work was back and although my protein levels were rising, they were still not in "preeclampsia range" so she could give me permission to travel home.  She went on to say she was assuming I was headed in that direction and to have our new medical team test me again the following week because things can change over night..... blah blah blah!! This aint my first rodeo!! I was just excited that I got one more final day to get my ginormous to-do list done. Then... THEN I will be back at my mom's ready to rest, relax and enjoy the last few weeks of pregnancy.

But TODAY I was ready to rock it. I finished packing, cleaning, ran a million errands, made Erik freezer meals to eat while I was away the following week, made treats for our neighbors, AND mowed the lawn. A little over board?? Probably. When Erik came home around 6 to see me finished up the lawn, he freaked out!! "Kimber!! What are you doing?? You are 8 months pregnant and have high risk pregnancies!! You need to be inside resting!!"

He was right. And I felt stupid. I sat down for a second with some water and the back pains started. I went to take a quick bath to see if I would feel better. Not only did I not feel any better, but the back pain got more intense. And then a massive headache came on.  Erik got me out of the bath and had me lay on my side to make sure baby was okay and to put some of my essential oils on me. I had consistent back contractions every 4-5 minutes until midnight, but because they never moved to my stomach we decided not to call our hospital.  At about 3:30am strong contractions started in my abdomen but they were never consistent, so again, we didn't call. I was up ALL night with that same horrible headache and was taking as much Tylenol as I was allowed to take with zero relieve (and I don't take OTC meds while I'm pregnant, so you KNOW I was really not feeling well!!)

Friday, August 8th

 Moving day! By 9am.... after zero sleep, zero relief on the headache... and knowing I needed to get my day going, I decided I needed to call my hospital and see what I was doing wrong.  "Hi! I know for a FACT I do not have preeclampsia. I was literally just tested less than 48 hours ago and I'm good. But I have this HORRIBLE headache and have already taken the maximum amount of Tylenol that I'm allowed to take in 24 hours and I need to drive today. I have no idea how I'm going to do that since I can't even see straight. Is there anything else I can take or do to get rid of this thing??" Once they found out I haven't even gotten up in the last 12 hours and still had this headache they told me I needed to get back to the hospital immediately (like ambulance status). I assured them I was fine and did a lot of convincing to have them be okay with me coming in in a few hours after I got my 2 year old ready and my husband came home to take me. They informed me this was not their recommendation but told me if that's what I'm choosing to do, they would see me at noon. 

By noon I was back at the hospital. I laid on the exam table in a ball, covering my eyes with my hands and asking Erik and the nurse to turn the lights off a million times (even though they were already off), and hardly responding to any questions bc 1. I couldn't even think and 2. it was just too much effort and hurt more to talk. The nurse rushed out just to have our OB come right back in to tell us we need to get up to labor and delivery to get the baby on the monitor and to try to tame my headache. Yeah yeah yeah..... we know the drill.

Up in L&D- they hooked the baby up to the monitor for a nonstress test, took my blood pressure every 7 minutes, came in to draw my blood every hour (to test enzyme levels to make sure my liver was not failing), and to pull my urine bucket just as often (to test the protein levels to make sure my kidneys were not failing). OH yeah... and to give me LOTS of drugs. For 6 straight hours. 

Can we say deja vu (In case you are new here- I had preeclampsia with my first pregnancy. You can read that story here)?!?!?! After six straight hours I still felt just as horrible as when I got there, even after oxy and one other narcotic they wanted to "try" (I don't even know what it was). We had declined morphine a dozen times and I knew there wasn't much more they were going to do. So I was very VERY ready to go home. 

At about 7pm- my OB, the head OB and about 3 other nurses came in. They asked how I was doing, in which I responded "ready to go home" trying to peak at them through my fingers. They each took their turn speaking and I remember hearing things like: "Look Kimber, I know you really want to go home. You have a massive headache that narcotics aren't even touching, you have scary high blood pressure, your vision is intensified. And we just found out that you have spiked a fever and you are pretty dehydrated.  You have EVERY sign of preeclampsia and we are shocked your levels aren't coming back higher than they are." "I know you really don't want morphine, but we really think that would be the best thing for you to do. We really need to get rid of this headache, and I think it's the only thing right now that will bring you relief. You can take it, get a good night sleep, and then we can get you a better evaluation tomorrow after your body has rested." "I know you are really worried about getting back to Albuquerque to deliver this baby. We will be lucky if we can get one more week out of this pregnancy and we don't have a NICU at this hospital to even care for a 36 week gestational baby so you need to get back to Albuquerque either way. We will airlift you this weekend if we need to."

Whoa, whoa, whoa!! Morphine? Still no. Only one more week of pregnancy?? Airlift me?? What?? Just stop it. This was too much for me. I just want to go home! 

Erik kissed me and told me I needed to stay for the baby (the only way he knew I would stay- guilt trip!!). He told me he would go home and put Collin straight to bed and they would be back up here first thing in the morning.  It was late and I knew Collin was exhausted, so I kissed him goodbye and Erik had to pry him from my arms. I cried. Probably embarrassing to admit, but it was actually like a hyperventilating sob. (I clearly have NEVER left my cute boy over night. Ever! And I also had never spent a night in the hospital without Erik, so that was tough for me too. Not to mention I was extremely drugged up and feeling horrible!).

My awesome nurse turned on some HGTV for me, got me a brownie (even tho she knew I had gestational diabetes), a phone charger, some toiletries, helped me get ready for bed and sat with me for a while talking about life and tried to get me to laugh.  I love and so appreciate awesome nurses. I WANT to be that nurse... one day! It was still tough- but she made it bearable. 

She asked me a handful of times over those few hours if I wanted morphine. I politely declined for hours and hours. By about 10;30 I was only getting worse. My headache was HORRIBLE, I honestly can't even describe how much pain I was in. My fever was not going anywhere and was making me feel even more sick. I was getting nauseous and dizzy. I had flashbacks of when I got my morphine push with Collin (lets just say- it was not pretty!!) and was scared for that to happen again, especially being by myself. But I knew I needed to. I talked with the nurse as she came back in with some anti-nausea medicine and asked her a million and one questions AGAIN and verified a hundred times that it was okay for my baby (you know, in case she forgot in the last 7 seconds that I was indeed pregnant still), and finally accepted the morphine as long as it was NOT through the IV.

She was relieved and went to order it. She came back a few minutes later and informed me she was only giving me 1/2 the dose the doctor ordered (still 5ml!!) in the booty. She had me lay on my side and hug a pillow and............. HOOOOLLLLYYYYYY BAJEEEEEEZZZZZZZ!!!! Morphine BURNS being injected into you. Did you know that?? And yep... there I go! I started screaming at her to stop, telling her she was going to hurt my baby. I was shaking out of control. I was hyperventilating.  And I just all around FLIPPED out (I can't say I didn't warn you, lady!!). She rushed over and put me on oxygen right away and tried her best to calm me down. I just got worse so she grabbed my phone and called "my love" and explained to Erik what was going on. She put him on speaker and Erik used all his magic powers to get me to calm down from 50 miles away (such a good guy.... and such a genius my nurse was). I finally settled down and passed out with Erik still talking on the other end of the phone. 

Saturday, August 9th

I woke up around 3:30am starving and nauseous. I was feeling better, but I think I could have been hit by a bus and felt better than I had, so that's not saying much. I paged the nurse and she brought me graham crackers and greek yogurt (yum- my favorite this hospital stay!) and a huge horse pill. She told me the doctor informed her that my potassium levels were scary low (another reason I probably wasn't feeling fantastic) so that's what that ginormous pill was for. I was so out of it they could have given me anything at that point and I wouldn't have asked questions. I did what I was told, ate and passed back out.     

About 100 people where in and out of my room that morning (a slight exaggeration) and I wasn't waking up for even those coming to stab my arm with more needles.  I was out for the count. I finally got up about 8am to use the bathroom and before I was even done brushing my teeth, a crazy little boy can running in. I was SOOOOO excited to have him back. I got back in bed with him and the head OB and nurse came right in (they must of have saw the little dude). They talked to me and asked me how I was doing. I was happy to report that I was feeling MUCH better. I still had a headache, but I was doing good and I felt ready to go. They must of seen enough improvement because with that, they signed off and let me go!! On "strict bed rest" of course.

I slept pretty much the rest of the day and poor Erik loaded up the car and trailer all by himself. Then, we were off!! A three hour drive back "home".  Moving back in with my parents for the next 4 months.

Sunday, August 10th-Wednesday, August 13th

I'll lump all these days together since they were all pretty much the same.   

And that's how I felt.... meh! At least this time they didn't have to lecture me about laying down and abiding by the "strict bed rest" rules. I felt horrible laying down, and even worse standing up. My headache NEVER subsided regardless of what I tried, my blood pressure was horrible, and I blacked out in the shower and had to take multiple breaks walking up the stairs.The diabetes didn't help as I had to fast 2 hours in between each meal to take a reading and during the fast was when I felt the worse and my headaches became almost unbearable (and of course- my readings were super low each time so I'm sure that had something to do with it).

Luckily I had lots of help with Collin so I could just stay curled up laying down in a dark room. It was just as horrible and miserable as it sound. On Tuesday of that week I seriously debated calling an ambulance- I was that bad:  

This being my second time having preeclampsia I at least knew what to expect (all though EVERYTHING about it this go around was about 100 times worse). But with the good comes the bad. Sometimes being aware and knowing more comes with its downfalls.  Everything was all extremely blurry this entire week but there was one specific moment I remember all too clear. It was that day where my migraine (or whatever you want to call this headache from HELL!!) was excruciating and I couldn't find any relief. I just wanted to go to sleep to escape the pain- but I honestly did not know if I would wake up. The Heather Brown story was constantly flashing in my head (if you don't know who I am talking about- you can read her story here. She was the lady who had preeclampsia right after I did with Collin- except she was too late when she went in with a headache and started to have seizures due to massive brain bleeds and slipped into a coma. Three years later and she still does not move or speak.) and I remember just sobbing and praying like crazy that this was not it, that I would wake up, and that I wouldn't be too late once I FINALLY got to the hospital. I was without my husband and I REALLY didn't want to bother any of my family (my mom was NOT happy when she heard how bad I was and didn't call her!) and I hate the hospital and am never good to judge when I'm being "dramatic" or if I truly need to be seen. I just prayed that my Thursday "weekly" appointment would be good enough timing so I didn't have to make that call. 

Thursday, August 14th

I was officially 36 weeks!! Hurray. And today was FINALLY the day of my weekly scheduled appointment with our new health care team.

My litter sister took the day off to take me and my other littler sister and mom took Collin for me (thank goodness for awesome family!!). 

I was excited to get back and see Danielle (our midwife we had with Collin who we LOVE!!). I knew she would help me!! I went into my appointment and sat on the exam table.  I knew we were in trouble the moment the nurse took my vitals and was SHOCKED at my high blood pressure. She then went on to ask if there was any concerns I had to bring up to Danielle?? Um- what?!? Did you not read the 87 page medical records that my last hospital faxed over?? Oh... you didn't get them? Perfect. (Good think I brought my hard copies!) Well, beside the hematoma, breast tumor, gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, being hospitalized last week, and this massive 7 day headache that nothing is even touching.... I think I'm good.

Needless to say- that was an exciting appointment. Danielle came in with HUGE eyes and gave me a long hug (you know the kind when you feel genuine concern and love?? I just love that lady!!) before sitting down to "catch up" and ask a million and one questions. She said she wasn't even sending me down for labs... she said I needed to get straight over to the triage center of the hospital and a doctor from our clinic, Dr Trujillo,  was on and expecting me. She did check me and told me I was already dilated to 2cm and was about 80% thinned out. I mentioned Erik being 3 hours away, and she said she can't make the call but it was looking like an induction so to have him get to the hospital before tomorrow. And off I went (thanks sister!!). 

(side note: Erik's last day of his internship was the next day Friday. He had a feeling this was going to happen so he had actually finished all his work and cleared his desk by that Thursday morning. His bosses were aware of the situation so they said even if they were in meetings, just to call them out if he got "the call". So after I called he did a quick exit interview and rushed home to grab a few things and then headed to the hospital.). 

Aaaannnndddd back to triage I went.  I KNEW the routine for this exact hospital. I knew baby would be on the monitors for hours and my vitals/blood/urine would be taken every so often. I warned my sister we'd be here for a good 4 hours and that she could leave. But she didn't. And then... something NEW. Dr. Trujillo came in within about 10 minutes of us being checked in. (What?!?! I NEVER saw an actual doctor with any 3 of my triage experiences with Collin. They are so dang busy doing C-sections, and dealing with all the patients who have actually been admitted that they don't visit triage). He came in with a blank sheet of paper and and a pen, introduced himself, SAT down (gasp!!), and told me "okay, start from the beginning."

It may sound simple and crazy... but you have NO IDEA how happy and relieved that man made me feel in that moment. He never cut me off, he just listened with great intent and took a million notes. He understood I was nervous to take narcotics, especially morphine. He made me feel reasonable. He made me feel like I was not crazy or making any of this stuff up. He showed great concern and genuinely wanted to help me! Thank you, Doctor!! 

He came up with his "game plan":  He mentioned, of course, that he REALLY didn't want to induce labor yet. He assured me I wouldn't go passed 37 weeks, but wanted to get me as close to that golden 37 weeks as possible. He was going to see if he could schedule me a ultrasound to see how much the baby weighed and how the baby was looking, just in case we did need to induce labor. He also had a list of drugs he wanted to try besides the oxy and morphine that I had already tried last weekend. First up was a drug with caffeine (not positive of what the exact drug was, but my thought is Fioricet??) hoping the caffeine would help the headache. He also wanted me to do a in-house 24hr urine sample because that can sometimes be more accurate over a basic urine sample in reading the protein levels.  And before I knew it they were inserting my IV port and telling me I was being admitted to labor and delivery.

Hours past and the caffeinated drug didn't do squat!! The nurse came in to check on me and had me rate my pain. She noted it was the same and said she'd go check with the doctor to see what else we could try. She came back in to inform me the doctor had ordered me some morphine. Wait, what?!?!? That was not part of the game plan! I mentioned Dr. Trujillo said... she stopped me right there and told me Dr. Trujillo was off and it was a new doctor in for the next 12 hours? (Insert cry face!!) I was seriously so upset! And hate that the next step is always "morphine!!". I hate morphine. And I was alone, AGAIN (Kelsy was down in her car talking to her hubby, and Erik wasn't there yet). I asked to please hold the morphine until at least I got to hold my son. My family was on their way to the hospital and I didn't want Collin to see me like that... and I just simply wanted to spend some time with him in this craziness, NOT all drugged out of my mind. Fair?? I thought so.

A few minutes later she returned with the stupid, idiotic doctor!! Oh man, I don't talk bad about people but I was not a fan of this dude. He came in and said, "what's going on? Why are you refusing my medical advice?? I don't get paid commission for every drop of morphine I give. It's up to you. You said your head hurts- this is what I'm recommending. You can take it and feel better. Or you can not take it and continue to complain you don't feel good. You don't have preeclampsia. You probably just have a tension headache. And I love when people tell me they don't want to take some thing because they are scared for their baby. Like, hey! Thanks for reminding me. I forgot you had a baby in there! And yes, like I would really recommend or give something to a pregnant lady that is going to severely hurt her baby? Give me a break."

What?!?! Ooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! I wanted to say so many swear words!! Instead, in a not nice voice, I said, "first of all, I never refused your stupid morphine. I simply asked if we could hold it for a few minutes so I could say hi to my toddler who I have not seen today before being drugged up. Second, I'm a dang good mom and it's very natural to be concerned for her child! And third, I do NOT react well to these drugs.... which I just had last weekend, and hey look! Still have a headache!" And I should have gone on about his bedside manners, and pre-diagnosing someone without all the facts... and just about how he was about the biggest douche I've ever meant. But I was crying too hard at this point, and my head and blood pressure were already beyond what I could handle.  I've NEVER wanted to punch an old man where it hurts so badly in my life!! And I told the nurse to NEVER bring him back into my room again. 

My family got there in the middle of all this nonsense and I had to keep my hands over my eyes especially now and all lights off (pretty much for this entire week) with my headache completely spiked and the light sensitivity but I still can kind of see my family's faces coming into the room. I think they thought I was legit dying. And my grandma just so happened to be in town this weekend and it was her first time seeing me- she didn't hide her concerns very well. haha poor grandma! 

They sat and visited and helped calm me down. Soon after my husband was FINALLY with me! Life was good.... well as good as it could have been. I was given a very small dosage of morphine and it honestly didn't do anything for me. I don't know how many times how crappy I honestly felt. I tried to sleep, I twisted and turned to try to get semi comfortable. The only thing that brought slight relief was ice over my head. Every hour Erik and the nurse would have to change me and my bedding as the ice melted everywhere and bring me new ice to start the whole process over again. But that's what he did to bring even the slightest relieve. Oh yeah... and he ordered this cute little dude to come back and lay with me before I fell asleep!! These dudes are the best! 

At about 11pm and nothing working I asked them for more morphine. Yes- I was REALLY hurting to actually be the one to ask for it. After my second dose of morphine I was finally able to pass out.
Friday, August 15th

The relief the double dose of morphine gave was short lived. By 6am the headache was back in full force. The nurse started out coming in pretty regular that morning to check on me and ask how I was feeling. When I let her know I was back to feeling like HELL and her only solution was MORE morphine I let her know that that was ridiculous. Seriously?!? Nothing has worked except a double dose of morphine and even that only brought a few hours of comfort. I don't know what I wanted.... but I wanted someone to HELP!!! Is that too much to ask?? Pretty soon she hardly came in to see how I was doing. And half the day went by and I had yet to see the new doctor on. Needless to say, I was SOOOOOO annoyed. Why was I even here?? I could finish my 24 hour urine at home and get just as much help there!! I felt like nobody believed me with how miserable I felt. I knew something was wrong, but began questioning myself. I was REALLY wishing I had not transferred care. 

I knew my 24 hour urine sample was up at 4pm and I knew they'd just send me home after, so by 3 Erik started packing up our room. I was beyond mad and disappointed with the hospital that took such great care of me 2 years prior. 

As we were packing up a nurse came in with a wheel chair and told me she was taking me down to get an ultra sound... you know, the one Dr. Trujillo (our first and only doctor that had cared) had ordered?? Sweet, I'll go check on my baby. Sitting up MESSED me up. Normally moms are so so so excited to see their cute baby up on the screen.

Not me. Although I'm sure she was cute... It hurt so dang bad to look at the screen. I asked them to turn off the lights and I just laid there with my hands over my eyes, trying to concentrate on breathing, and was shaking out of control (like straight teeth shattering) for some unknown reason. Erik was so excited to see this cute face and kept telling me to look at her and all her hair you could already see on the US, but I couldn't. I think that got the ultra sound tech's attention and she started asking Erik questions. I think this is the first person to ask what was going on since Erik has been around.... and the poor guy just poured out his heart. He went into quite a bit of detail with what had been going on and explained how worried he was about me... and I think at one point he may have begged her to put in a good word to induce if the baby was looking healthy. I remember asking "how does she look? Is everything okay??" And she told me she couldn't answer (which I'm aware of. But usually they give you SOMETHING!!). 

Pretty soon she was wiping my belly and letting us know she would be back with the doctor.  It took a while for it to click, but after 10...15....20 minutes past I realize they only go get the doctor if something was wrong. I began panicking, telling Erik something was wrong with our baby!! The doctor (not my doctor. He was an actual fetal specialist- specializing in high risk pregnancies) came in and asked a million and one questions. He finally said "okay, an 8 day straight headache is not okay and it is not normal." Thank you!!! Thank you! Thank you! That's what I've been saying... but apparently no other health care professional was thinking that. He went on, "It doesn't make sense for us to keep pumping you full of drugs that aren't even working. My guess is that this is a "preeclampsia headache". The two biggest symptoms of preeclampsia is high blood pressure and headaches. You have both.  I think you have preeclampsia. BUT I need to make sure there isn't something more going on here. I'm going to see if I can get you an MRI right away so we can be sure there isn't an aneurysm, or any bleeding... or anything else. If the MRI comes back normal, I will assume the headache is Preeclampsia related and we will induce you right away." And if it doesn't come back normal?? "Well- we will cross that bridge if we get there. We REALLY don't want to even go there if we don't have to." (AKA- we will do an emergency C-section and you will go into immediate brain surgery). 

Okay. Thank you for listening and taking me seriously. But... uh... that was pretty scary to hear. We finished up and him and Erik helped me up. The doctor watched me walk to the bathroom with Erik (which I couldn't see, I was very dizzy and shaky, and I was so swollen I couldn't feel my feet.... so I'm sure it was quite the sight) and waited outside for me to come out. He asked Erik to set me back on the exam table for a second. Before I knew it he hit my knee and I legit kicked that poor guy in the man parts. I was mortified and didn't even know where that came from!! He chuckled and moved himself to the side before hitting my other knee. My foot came FLYING up again. What the heck??? I promise I'm not doing that on purpose. He turned to Erik (who was also embarrassed) and told him my reflexes were extremely hyper-active, a sign I was VERY close to a seizure and a huge sign of preeclampsia (what the heck... not one single person has checked my reflexes!!).

Back at the room I had a huge fruit bouquet and lots of goodies from the hospital waiting for me. The nurse would not leave my side and before I could hardly adjust in bed, my doctor (who had been on for nearly 12 hours and had yet to see me) was by my side ready to care for more. OOOOOOO now yall want to care about me?!?! Now that you know I'm not full of it and something really is wrong here?? I think the doctor knew I was not happy/impressed with her and she was quick to explain herself "I'm sorry I haven't been able to see you today!! I was just waiting for your results of your 24 hour urine sample to come back so we could go from there...." blah blah blah! (Danielle, our one-day midwife who I love, also rushed in at this time to check on me as she heard the news. She checked in on us multiple times but at this hospital, midwives work under an OB and can't make any calls until the patient is at least 37 weeks. So she couldn't do much except check on us)

With the doctor and midwife still in the room, the nurse came back with the wheelchair and said they were ready for me to get my MRI. I'm already claustrophobic, feeling like death, and TERRIFIED about what they could find.... So I knew going into a BRIGHT tube, with loud noises, and not moving a muscle for 20 minutes was not going to be super awesome. And in case you have never had an MRI on your head before... It was not awesome at all!! Not in anyway shape or form. HOLY bajeeze!! It was TERRIBLE!!!! Hated everything about it and about 1/2 through I had a major anxiety attack. So so much had been going on the past few months and this was almost like the straw that broke the camels back. Not only was i physically not okay.... but laying in the tube, I let my mind go to a very bad place, and I was not emotionally okay either. I didn't want to have to start all over again so I tried to just suck it up. I had tears running down both sides of my face. I was praying it could be over already. I was doing my best to just concentrate on breathing. But I couldn't do it. I grabbed the panic button and was getting ready to push it when I heard a voice over the intercom telling me I was done. Oh thank goodness!! Holy smokes! I'm pretty sure I came out of the tube screaming, crying hysterically and shaking out of control for sure.... and the tech had Erik come in and hold me on the table for a while until I was ready to sit up in get in the wheelchair. I'm okay if I never have to do that again... especially in that condition. 

Back in the room, before the nurse could even get me out of the wheelchair, she got a phone call. She said under her breath "wow. That was fast." and walked away as she took the call. She came back a few minutes later (another long, terrifying few minutes) and said that was already the doctor with the MRI results and everything came back normal. She went on to say that they also got the results from the 24 hour urine sample and my protein levels were high so I had been officially diagnosed with "severe preeclampsia". Phew! I know it is weird to feel relieved with that kind of scary diagnosis... but hey- it could have been worse! We were extremely grateful my brain was not bleeding out! 

She was instructed to start me on anti-seizure medicine immediately and then they would start Pitocin. 

And with that.... the induction process began......

To be continued.....

(*Just to defend our Colorado Hospital..... Lots of people, including the staff at the new hospital, questioned why the heck our original would sign off to transfer care with such a high risk patient. Their reasoning was that they could not care for me and our 35/36-week gestational baby at our hospital either way if I went into labor and they knew that was direction it was headed. They did not have the facility or resources so if I would have stayed and delivered there they would have had to send a helicopter for at least our sweet tiny baby and risk precious time. We would have ended up at an Albuquerque Hospital either way)

Cancer scare: Lactating adenoma

I hesitate to publish this post.  It's a tough one to write and reflect back on. BUT that's life.... the good, the bad, the ugly.... we need to deal with every situation and try to make the most of it. On social media I love sharing the "good" and fun memories. I'm not one to publically talk about the "bads" and the "uglys".... I've got a great hubby with an awesome shoulder to cry on and a great listening ear. He gets me through ALL those times.  And in a lot of cases.... my parents also help me through those times.... and in a few cases..... siblings, close friends and family. That's who I go to. Not facebook.... not the family blog. I'm actually a pretty private and closed person when it comes to hardships (at least while they are going on). So this is where my hesitation comes in to publish this (I have written this post for months.... but mostly for myself).

So why?? Why am I deciding to publish it and make these very personal hardships public?? For one: I decided to fill family and friends in with a "pre-eclampsia and bed rest" post after I had Collin. I didn't know what to expect.... But when my little quiet family blog got THOUSANDS of views on that post and I had multiple people (most complete strangers) come to me via email and ask questions and look for comfort as they were going through the same scary diagnoses.... I knew that was my reason for feeling so strong in sharing our story and why I'm doing it again. For two: this trial in particular completely changed my life.  My complete perspective on life. If you can not only learn from your trials.... but have them life altering... they are worth remembering. And 3: quite a few people know bits and pieces of what happened this pregnancy and have asked with genuine concern what happened.  Since we all know all was well in the end.... I'm ready to share some of the tough "bad" and "uglys" of this pregnancy with those family and friends that care. And hopefully my story can help even one person in one way or another.

This pregnancy was..... well..... tough! I knew when I got pregnant that it would not be the "perfect" pregnancy. I had a very strong feeling from the beginning that I would face trials and challenges and I just continually prayed that it was me and my health, and not our sweet baby's! I knew my faith would be tested but if I could stay strong and positive... all would be well. You can read about all of our other scares here .... but for now.... this post is dedicated to this one specific scare:


Cancer scare:
About a week and a half after the blood clot scare-  I was laying in bed, paying bills on the laptop.  I was not even thinking and randomly grazed my hand over my chest.  My heart stopped as I felt a lump.  It was fairly big to have just noticed it just like that.... it was about the size of a golf ball.  I called Erik immediately and told him.... but tried not to be over dramatic and mentioned it was probably a pregnancy thing but was still kind of alarming.  And that's what I went with.... a clogged milk duct or hormone build up that would go away.  One week later... It was not going anywhere and started weighing heavy on my mind.  I called the hospital and spoke with a nurse and asked how I could reduce this thing if it was a clogged duct.  She gave me some advice but really didn't think it was a clogged duct (considering I was only 27 weeks pregnant) but was sure it probably wasn't anything serious and I could wait a few weeks to go in for my regular apt.

I managed to push this concern aside and enjoy my cute boy's second birthday with family.... minus the fact that I felt HORRIBLE.  I don't know how I did it... but I didn't even tell my mom that weekend (I tell her everything).  Why make it a big deal when it wasn't? Right??

After everyone left.... and reality was back in full swing... I couldn't kick the fact that I felt horrible, my vitals were out of whack.... and I have a huge lump in my breast. I quit putting on the happy/nothing is wrong face.... and broke down realizing this could be the big "C" word. I called the nurses again (they probably legit thought I was insane and one of "those" moms but I didn't care). After giving them some symptoms- headache, pain under breast.... they told me to get up to the hospital IMMEDIATELY and that I could have preeclampsia. Erik rushed home from work while I packed up Collin and myself and off we went to the hospital. They did all their test and ruled out pre eclampsia.  That was their only concern and were trying to push me out the door saying I must have a virus or experienced a migraine.  Ok??? That was intense to tell me I had a bad headache.  But hey.... before you push me out the door.... can you give me a breast exam? The OB looked confused but did it anyway.  She felt around while I explained that I had found it a few weeks back, I know it's nothing but I just wanted to make sure, blah blah blah.... she obviously was not listening to a word I said.  She stared at the wall while she felt around and looked VERY concerned.  Suddenly, she stopped trying to force me out the door and treating me like an over paranoid mom.  She looked at Erik and said we weren't going anywhere and she was going to see how soon she could get us an ultrasound on my breast.

And the whirlwind began.

*So this appointment was on a Wednesday (the next day I was going to be 28 weeks.... 3rd trimester!!)*

The OB came back into our room (she was suppose to be bringing me a blanket and tylenol- but that didn't happen) about a minute and 1/2 later. She was stern and serious as she told us we needed to go down the hall to the "breast center" immediately.  She seemed very worried, but I surprisingly remained calm and assumed this is what they were going to do (just not that fast).  I was grateful they were going to check it out and give me answers (still assuming those answers were "clogged duct" or "cyst") so I could stop my stupid head from going to the "c" word.

A few minutes later we were down the hall to the gorgeous "breast center" office.  It was quiet and we were the only patients there.  As we were checking in a few people walked out and whispered "this is her". Um... okay?? They took me straight back and I got into my gown. A minute later the tech came in and asked to point to the general area where I "thought" I had felt a lump. When she felt it she was taken back and said "oh wow!!! That's definitely a lump! We don't need to go searching there. This should be easy." Again... um... ok? She got multiple images... all looked the same to me.... and pointed out what she was looking at- "the lump".  She was done within 5 minutes and said she'd be back with the doctor.  2 minutes later she returned with the radiologist.

It took him all of about 30 seconds as well to see all he needed to see...again, there was no searching needed for this thing.  He sat back in his chair with his hands behind his head and explained to Erik and I that I have "a massive.... well.... tumor". OOoooookkkkkk? BUT I am young, have no family history of breast cancer.... and he is certain it is benign. A "fibroadenoma" is what he was thinking it was.  However, it needs to come out. A needle biopsy will not distinguish what type of tumor this is.... and they need to remove the entire mass and biopsy it to rule out cancer. Not to mention- even if is benign- it is very rapid growing (obviously- look how fast it had already grown.... I just had a breast exam done in February when I first got pregnant and this thing was already about 5cm in diameter- massive!) and needed to come out before it got "gigantic and inoperable". Normally- not a big deal. Erik and I were both pretty wide eyed taking all this in...... but still nodding our heads and going with him that this is benign and no big deal. "I'll have the surgery after that baby or sometime in the next year" was what I was thinking. He told me I needed to have the surgery done ASAP but it would be a full on surgery and I'd need to be totally out.  Because I was pregnant he would need to talk with the surgeon and my OBGYN to see what would be best for the baby as general anesthesia is not ideal. At that point I said.... "well we can just wait for the baby to be born, right? Or at least another 8 weeks and take the baby at 36 weeks and do the surgery?!?!" He saw my concern and informed me that it is not safe to wait that long with a tumor this rapid growing (normally would recommend have the surgery done within the week).... but..... (he kept scratching his head and seemed very uncomfortable)..... he would talk with my OB and the surgeon and get back to us.

We left the hospital that Wednesday evening fairly shocked but still in good spirits.  We knew it was benign and felt like we were far enough along and didn't have much to worry about.... at least for a while! We walked in the door about 5pm and I called my mom to let her know it was indeed a massive tumor... completely benign... but I needed surgery to remove it. Don't know when or where... I have an appointment next week so I'll let her know. Before I could even hang up the phone with her my doctor's office was calling me. I switched lines to hear a very serious Dr. Todd (my OB) on the phone: "Kimber? This is Dr. Todd from [doc. office]. I just spoke with the radiologist and you need to have surgery immediately! You have a huge mass and we don't know if it is cancer or not and the only way of finding out is if we completely remove it." I grabbed Erik and put her on speaker phone.  She explained that the baby will be okay. There was a slight chance that the anesthesia could put me at risk for preterm labor but it is a very small chance and I was far enough along that the baby would be okay and she felt good about doing the surgery.  She mentioned time and time again I really needed this surgery done and she had an awesome surgeon at the same hospital- I would need to go into pre-op the following morning and surgery the next day. Um.... what?!? Ooooookkkkkk....... It was a lot... and it was all happening fast.  I asked time and time again if she was sure the baby was going to be okay and if there was any way I could wait a little longer for surgery.  She continuously told us she highly recommends us do the surgery and that the baby would be okay. Erik and I both looked at each other and nodded like we could read each other's minds.... and I verbally agreed to the surgery (I can't even remember those words coming out of my mouth).  I got off the phone and we talked about how we felt good about this decision and everything would be okay. I think I believed myself. 10 minutes later the phone rang again and it was our surgeon's assistant who confirmed the time for our pre-op the following morning (11:30am Thursday morning) and surgery the following morning (8:00am Friday morning).

Welp- that was nutty!!! I called my mom back and gave her that mouth full! Yikes! We arranged for her and my dad to come up the following evening to help us with Collin so Erik could be by my side during surgery.  Holy crap.... I'm having surgery the day after tomorrow? All I could think about was our sweet girl and continually asked for her to have strength to get through this and stay in for a few more months! Erik gave me a priesthood blessing. The blessing itself was pretty personal and sacred but the gist of it was: that this is just a speed bump and that we will continue to see hardships through this pregnancy but I will hold a healthy baby at the end of all this.  Erik and I were both in tears, but felt comforted by the blessing.

Erik was not technically given vacation or sick days with this internship... and he was already missing quite a bit with this pregnancy so I told him I'd just do the pre-op myself and he would take off all of Friday for the surgery (his bosses totally understood- thank goodness for awesome bosses).  I was not nervous for the pre-op at all! Thursday morning I got Collin and I both ready and headed for the hospital. I was prepared to hear instructions and what to expect for the surgery. I thought I was going in and sit across a table from the surgeon who would tell me; you will arrive at this time, we will go into surgery at this time, you will be in recovery for this amount of time, and you can go home at this time.  Don't eat anything after this time tonight. The end.

Nope. Collin and I got to the hospital and walked the long hall to the surgeon office. It was also gorgeous! And again... we were the only ones there. Doug (the surgeon's assistant) immediately came out and got us.  He informed me Dr. Quayle was trying to make a meeting and didn't have much time, so to quickly get in my gown to speak with him and he will come in and get all my information and vitals after. Um... okay? I was confused as to why I was getting in a gown but didn't have time to think as there was a knock on my door 10 seconds later asking if I was ready. Dr. Quayle came in. He was very polite and I got a good vibe from him.  He mentioned he was doing an ultra sound just so he could see first hand what we were dealing with.  He was also quite taken back the moment he felt the lump..... I'm telling you, it's huge! He only took a few minutes looking at it on the screen and asking me a few questions (when and how did I notice it? Do I feel like it's gotten bigger over the few weeks that I've known it's there? How old am I? Any family history? How far along in pregnancy?) It was a lot like deja vu from the day before. He also asked more friendly questions..... what does my husband do? What do I do? Do we want any more kids? And he even went on to tell me he and his wife have 5 kids. He quickly finished up and let me get dressed.

A minute later I was sitting in a chair dressed with Collin in the chair next to me and Dr. Quayle came back in and sat down next to us. He took a deep breath. No longer friendly chit chat.... he was a different man walking back into that same exam room. He was very professional and serious.

Ready for this??

He first discussed the type of surgery he was going to do. He mentioned (again) that this was a very large tumor and I would need to be completely out. Again- general anesethesia is not ideal for pregnant women as it puts them at risk for pre-term labor.  There is a good chance it wouldn't happen... but there is a chance it could. And if I did go into pre-term labor they do not have the facility to help a 28 week gestational baby and that my baby would need to by life lined to an Albuquerque hospital that specialized in premies. If this were the case... there is a chance our baby COULD survive, but it would take a lot of work. There is a chance the baby would not survive. I need to verbally agree that by doing this surgery I am risking losing my baby.

What?? No! There are always lots of risks during pregnancy and lots of chances you could lose the baby.... but to openly agree to doing something that puts me at risk??? Tears were coming.

I said over and over again between sobs that all I care about is my baby. Do anything you can to save my baby. She is my number one concern and my number one priority.  I'm not doing the surgery!!

THEN he went on to explain the risks of not doing the surgery. Long story short, he said he is hopeful it is a "fibroadenoma" that the radiologist explained to us.  There was a good chance that's all it was.... regardless, it is very rapid growing and needs to come up before it becomes too big and inoperable. I continually said... I don't care. I'll lose my breast before I lose my baby! Lets wait! He needed to get firm with me. He finally said "look Kimber..... this tumor is perfectly mimicking a VERY serious and very aggressive cancer. This is why we are all taking this so seriously and pushing for emergency surgery even though you are pregnant.  The entire team agrees (radiologist, OB, and himself). If you do have this cancer and we wait even one more week..... it is growing so fast we could be letting this cancer spread and go from stage 2 to stage 4. Once this aggressive cancer spreads there is NOTHING we can do. You will have a 50% chance to make it through the first year and you will be DEAD in 2 years tops."

I don't even think I was breathing at this point. Legit.... forgot to breathe.  Do you know how incredibly HARD that was to choke down? To hear that? To hear any of that stuff that I just had to hear those past 3 minutes?? Literally the hardest few minutes of my life.... literally the lowest I have ever felt in my life. Aaannndddd.... the hard, hysterical sobs began.  I was hyperventilating and struggling to catch my breath.  The surgeon had tears. My sweet 2 year old stopped playing with what I had to distract him and reached for my cheeks and whined "momma k?? momma k?" over and over again as he started to cry a soft sympathy cry (how did my barely 2 year old understand the emotion here??).  Bah!! Why is Erik not here with me???

What do you do? It's an epitome of a lose lose situation. Of course I would choose my baby over myself. In a heartbeat!! But feeling my sweet baby in my belly and staring into sweet Collin's very concerned eyes and knowing my babes need their momma.... that solution was suddenly not so black and white. With Dr. Quayle staring at me waiting for an answer.... I said "what.... what?? What would you do?? What if this was YOUR wife sitting in the chair? What if this was your unborn child? We are starting the 3rd trimester! We are picking out names and finishing up her nursery and love this girl more than life itself!! This is an IMPOSSIBLE question. What would you do?" He sympathized with me but still said he'd tell his wife to have the surgery and reiterated that the risk of losing the baby was very small. I gathered myself a little bit and asked how confident he was in doing this surgery. He said "honestly? I'm terrified. I'm scared out of my mind. I'm confident in my surgeon skills, but the thought of having 2 lives in my heads is scary. Especially a tiny, helpless, premature baby's life. I look at you... you are young and have so much life to live. And I can tell you love being a mom and your kids mean more to you than anything. This whole situation is just tough. It flat out sucks!"

You're telling me buddy. The water works started right back up. He got emotional again and told me to think about it and he'd call me later in the day. He then excused himself.  We were going in a circle, I was a mess, and he was 1/2 hour late to his meeting at this point... so I was very okay with him leaving.

The assistant came right in and couldn't even look me in the eyes as I sat there with my little buddy in my arms and cried and cried.  He quietly hooked up the blood pressure cuff and took my other vitals.  The machine tried to take my blood pressure multiple times.  I already had borderline hypertension (high blood pressure) before hearing all this shenanigans... so I can't imagine how high it was at this point.  After 2 or 3 minutes and multiple attempts the assistant shook his head and pulled off the cuff without a reading. He apologized for disturbing me and rushed out of the room.

I gathered myself, my cute boy, and our things and walked out of the hospital with my head down so nobody would see my puffy eyes and give me that sympathy look. FINALLY fresh air!! I prayed like a mad man the second I got outside. I told the Big Guy upstairs that this was an impossible decision to make and I'm throwing my hands up. I had the strongest feeling and knew I would know my answer as soon as the doctor called and that I wouldn't have to make this tough decision..... but to remain faithful. By the time I got to my car, I felt much more at peace than I did in the Doctor's office.... but still very emotional, as you can understand. I broke down multiple more times on that drive home as I called my mom and my husband and had to say those words of the doctor all over again. My sweet Erik took all this VERY hard... to say the least.  In his words, he felt like he had a to give a death sentence to either his daughter or his wife.

About 40 minutes later (10 minutes from home) I got a call from an unknown number. I answered it: "Kimber?? This is Doug, Dr. Quayle's assistant. How far away are you from the hospital? This might sound weird but can you pull over? Dr. Quayle is going to call you and he wants you to come back to the hospital for a biopsy." What?!? A biopsy is not going to tell us anything.  That is why I have not gotten one yet? I kept driving. 2 minutes later I get another phone call. "Kimber? This is Dr. Quayle." I pulled over at this point. "I can not shake this. I can't get this off my mind. I took your case to the board with lots of breast specialist and oncologists..... one lady suggested we take a biopsy.  I explained why that was not an option in your case and that it would not distinguish what type of tumor this is and that your tumor needs to be taken out either way because it is so rapid growing. She understands that, but said to still take multiple pieces of the tumor to biopsy and see if it has the aggressive characteristics of cancer. This is not to determine whether or not you need the surgery... you do NEED this tumor out.... but it will determine whether or not we can buy some time and allow your baby to grow a little more before we do the surgery.  If there is a 65% chance for your baby to survive outside the womb now at 28 weeks, and a 90% chance of your baby to survive outside the womb at 30 weeks.... wouldn't you want to wait 2 more weeks to do the surgery?" Um... yes!!! "If the biopsy comes back with signs of malignancy you will have same day emergency surgery.  If it comes back clear of cancer characteristics we will postpone a few more weeks and let your baby grow and mature a little more before doing the surgery." Sounds perfect!! "I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but if it is at all possible.... I would like you to come back ASAP so we can do the biopsy and rush the results. I should have the results by tomorrow or Monday at the latest." He continued to apologize over and over again.... PLEASE!!! Do NOT apologize!! I will gladly drive back and do this procedure if it helps make this decision!!

15 minutes later we met up with Erik (because... well... I NEEDED my husband. And he hated that I was doing this alone. And the thought of trying to entertain a very sensitive and vulnerable 2 year old by myself while getting a giant needle put in me didn't sound super ideal) at Burger King to grab a bite to eat and let Collin run free on the playground for a second.  Then we made the 50 minute drive BACK to the hospital.  3rd time in the past 24 hours (and about 10 hours of testing and appointments).

Back at the breast center.... they got us right back in and prepped immediately.  I kept my eyes closed the entire time I was in the room.  I didn't know what to expect and what a core biopsy was going to entail.  Erik said it was a VERY good idea that I never looked. The procedure took about 15 minutes and I had a death grip on Erik's hand the entire time.  It wasn't really painful but I could hear the puncture each time they took a chuck out of my breast. My anxiety got the best of me and I ended up on oxygen and they stopped sooner than they planned as I was not doing very well... but they "got what they needed". About 6 pieces of that dang tumor.

I got home and was exhausted.... physically and emotionally. EXHAUSTED!!! I went straight to bed and wanted nothing more than to just turn my brain off and sleep. Erik planned on taking care of Collin, dinner and the house. Thank goodness for awesome husbands!!! Unfortunately.... my sweet little boy was scarred. We did all we could to distract him in that exam room and even the doctors stood to shield him from me during the procedure. He didn't make a peep while we were there and fell asleep on the way home. But he woke up from his short nap and screamed. Screamed inconsolably. Erik tried all his tricks and NOTHING was working. We knew he wanted momma so he tried laying him next time (it didn't feel awesome holding or lifting anything) but that still wasn't doing it. After about an hour of this poor boy sobbing.... and nothing working... I finally just sucked it up and held him. Silence. He embraced me back tighter than ever. The only thing that worked for the rest of the night was for his momma to hold him. And hug him. And to tell him over and over "mommy's okay. Everything is going to be okay." The moment I stopped... the water works started back over.  Poor poor littler guy. It was heartbreaking.      

The next few days were tough! I did my best to stay positive and to keep my faith (as I had been told over and over again that's all I needed to do).  BUT on multiple occasions I failed.  I failed miserably. There were times when I really thought I was going to die. I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming "I can't die!! Collin needs me!! Please don't replace me, Erik!" My heart was in shambles. When we think of all the people who are diagnosed with terminal cancer.... we think of their families and how sad it is for them to lose their loved one.  But we don't think about what goes through the victims head. I still do not understand the depth that goes through their head... but I got a glimpse of it this weekend.  I would have told Erik on my death bed to love again and be happy.... but the thought of him moving on with someone else if I died was absolutely a stab to the heart..... and then twisted in every direction.  And the thought of not being the one to raise my kids?? For me not being around for them. I..... I can't even go there.  Still. Have tears running down my face now writing this and reflecting back on those thoughts.  Again... heartbreaking. No other way to describe it. It was a LONG and tough few days for our little family.

Monday was a long day. I sat with my phone glued to my hand so I would not miss THE phone call. It was toward the end of the day (of course) that I received the phone call.  I was shaking and mentally had to prepare myself for the worst possible news before swiping my phone to answer. "Kimber? This is Doug, Dr. Quayle's assistant.  He is still in surgery but he wanted me to call and tell you that your test results came back and there is no sign of malignancy." Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I jumped out of bed and legit did a happy dance!!! I have never been so happy and so relieved in my life!!! "You have what is called a 'lactating adenoma'..... a very, very rare tumor that is totally benign.  He will call you back in the next few days for more information but for now just know that we do not need to push for immediately surgery." Hal-le-lu-jah! Music to my years.  I thanked him a million times over before rushing into Collin's room to wake him up from his nap and hug him and kiss him all over!!!! Then called my husband and parents who had been calling me every 1/2 of the day.

Again, nothing more than a scare. But boy did that scare change my life!! I vowed to not be on my phone or be distracted in any way when Collin was awake. I wanted to appreciate and cherish each moment I had to be a mom. I vowed to tell Erik over and over again how much I love and appreciate him and to do all I could to be the best wife I could be. To spend as much time with family and loved ones and to make memories. I vowed to just live in the moment and to NEVER take a single day for granted.  Sounds cliche... I know. But it definitely rang true for me. I was terrified to have these thing taken from me and after pleading and pleading with the Big Guy to not.... I felt like this was my second chance.


The following day Dr. Quayle did call back. He expressed how relieved he was with my results. He also pointed out that he and this hospital has NEVER seen a Lactating Adenoma and there is very few cases and studies written on it. He said this tumor was not even in the same family as the tumor they all believed we were dealing with (that the fibroadenoma and the aggressive cancer fell into). He does know it is benign and it will not turn into cancer... which is the most important fact.  But other than that... he didn't know what to expect from this thing. We will take it week by week and see what this thing does.  Ideally- I could make it through my entire pregnancy without surgery. Then re-evaluate after to see if the tumor stops growing or what it does once pregnancy hormones are gone.... and to see what breastfeeding will do to this thing.  He couldn't tell me much and he was going to learn through me. Interesting. But hey.... I'm not complaining!! I'll take that over what could have been!!

The following day Dr. Todd (my OB) also called to let me know she had heard the news.  She also mentioned this was an extremely rare tumor/situation and she had been doing as much research as she could since they have never had to deal with this.  She said after speaking with Dr. Quayle she actually called the "main" breast center in Denver to see if their plan/medical advice was good.  They agreed that postponing the surgery and taking it a week at a time is the best thing. They also reiterated that there are very few cases out there of this diagnosis and the few that have been documented have all been different.  There is nothing set in stone of what to expect and what this tumor will do.  But to monitor growth, shape, and pain levels.

So... there it is. I have been back a handful of times to breast specialist and to my surgeon (along with getting exams from my OB and midwifes almost every visit). Even switching hospitals and talking to MANY other lactation specialist, breast specialist, midwives, and OBs...... NOBODY has seen this type of tumor. I am the guinea pig. The "special" one is what they called me. Yay! It hasn't gotten significantly bigger so they have not forced me to do the surgery yet.  Latest update from the surgeon was: it needs to come out eventually.  Even if it doesn't get any bigger. He mentioned the tumor is growing off my milk ducts and he worries that with the surgery there is a risk of cutting some of those ducts.... and I could have milk come out my incision while breastfeeding (blah! tmi?? haha sorry!). But as long as I am not noticing a huge change in size and I can tolerate the pain.... it is in my hands and I can choose when it is I would like to do the surgery.

So if you are diagnosed with this.... for me (questions NOBODY could answer)... I was able to breastfeed on that side. It was quite a bit more painful those first few days but not horrible..... okay.... pretty horrible! I won't lie to you. It is still painful (some days more than others) but very tolerable.... especially if it means I can continually postpone surgery. And it surprisingly has not grown much since delivering Hadley (so in my case... it was the pregnancy hormones acting as steroids causing this tumor to grow so rapidly). Any other questions??  We have a plan A, B and C. Ideally I would love to breastfeed Hadley for her entire first year then do the surgery shortly after. I'll meet back up with our original surgeon in January to see how we are doing.

*Yes... we did ask why the heck a biopsy was not taken to begin with. I am beyond grateful for the results and that this was ultimately no big deal. BUT I was hours away from doing a pretty big surgery that could have resulted in losing my baby! We wanted answers! Why is a needle biopsy not protocol to ALWAYS being the first step in this process?? Our team said the same thing.... they all honestly thought they were dealing with this cancer. They couldn't come out and say that.... but the characteristic were scary and they wanted that tumor out.  And if not that tumor- they were certain it was in that family of tumors which is all rapid growing and, again, you can't distinguish which one until that entire mass is biopsied.  Not to mention... a "lactating adenoma" was not even in mind considering it is so incredibly rare. Fair enough.

I'm also not upset with my surgeon for telling me those things.  I know it is his job to explain all the risks.... even "worst case scenarios".  And lets be honest... I needed him to be harsh with me.  Even if it was just part of my trial I needed to go through and learn from. I still think very highly of him and of our hospital. I'm grateful they went out of their way on multiple occasions to further their knowledge and educate themselves on our condition/diagnoses.  Both our surgeon and our doctor called me personally on many occasions (not only to fill me in but to see how I was doing) and took a lot of time  on our case.... even though I know they are crazy busy and they didn't need to do that! I am so grateful for them!!**

Again, I know I needed to go through this trial. It definitely tested my faith.... and I definitely failed! Lol well at some points.  I don't think Erik has given as many priesthood blessing in his life than he gave that week..... and I don't think I have prayed that much in my life (we are talking most hours of the night). I didn't want to talk to anyone about it... but certain people knew for various reasons (like Erik's bosses, mentors, and a few co-workers... our relief society president, our immediate families, very few friends, and whoever they told) and the amount of love and prayers we received was humbling.  Random people from work and church came to Erik and told him they traveled several hours to the temple to put his wive's name in. Incredible. My testimony and faith truly grew by leaps and bounds with this whole experiences.

Wow! That was a long one....

Pregnancy scares.......

MISCARRIAGE scare:
At 10 weeks I came home from church as I was sitting in a good amount of blood. My heart immediately sank and my mind obviously went "there".  Erik and I were both heart broken... we cried, and Erik did all he could to comfort me (all while being totally torn himself).  He got on the internet and tried to keep me positive by telling me it didn't sound like the "m" word.  Neither one of us could even say the real word.  When we called the doctor the next morning and explained what happened.... because there was no cramping they didn't believe it was a miscarriage either. They told me it could be a fluke thing... and to call again if cramping came with it, otherwise not to worry about it and come in the following week for my routine monthly check up.  Good one, right? Don't worry??  Impossible.  I flipped out with every pain in my abdomen (which when you are pregnant... is a lot!). Luckily the following week they found the heartbeat for us and we cried happy tears and were soooo relieved!! But no answers other than "sometimes that just happens."

At 14 weeks.... I literally had just posted to the facebook world that we were expecting baby number 2!! We were in the second trimester... I was feeling great, and we were so excited!! Literally 10 minutes later.... I was in a POOL of blood.  Yes.... much more than last time.  A pool of bright red blood.... everywhere (sorry for tmi). This time I KNEW "this is it".  Again... heartbreak.  Literally, no other word to describe it. Erik and I sobbed the rest of the night.  It was horrible and my heart completely breaks for anyone who has gone through a miscarriage!! Especially someone very close to me who has gone through it multiple times!!

I called the doctor again the following morning and this time, after explaining what happened, they had me come right in. Erik was in training... and luckily Erik's parents were in town so Collin stayed with them.... so I drove the 45 minutes up to the hospital by myself for this appointment.  I plead with the Big Man upstairs that entire drive not to take my baby. I tried to stay positive and remain hopeful but it was still a tough drive.  I broke down the moment I sat on the doc table.... and the doctor was so sweet to me! She found the heartbeat on the Doppler immediately (thank goodness!!! I could have jumped off the table and hugged her... oh wait... I did!!). She then decided to order me an ultra sound because she said "it would be good for me to see the baby". Um.... thank you!!! I loved seeing that sweet little peanut moving inside me... and they even predicted the gender... "Boy!!" lol. At the end she told me I had a "subchorionic hematoma" which is a blood filled sac on the outside of the placenta. Sometimes it can "leak" and cause a hemorrhage but it does not harm the baby bc it is on the outside of the placenta.  Sometimes they could jeopardize the pregnancy but because mine appeared to be small and "shrinking" rather than growing.... she said it was not of concern.  But not to be alarmed if I bled again.  THANK YOU! All I wanted was answers (and of course a healthy baby)... and I could finally sleep again at night.

Blood Clot scare:
I was just over 24 weeks pregnant and just getting back from an awesome family vacation in California.  Luckily, I had a doctor apt the day after travels because I could hardly walk.  I went in and it looked like I had a huge calf muscles (I was pretty impressed with myself until I noticed it was only on one side).  The doctor asked me a few questions and brought up the driving/plane ride.  I mentioned my calf hurt and it felt like I had a permanent cramp that wouldn't let up.  She felt around and looked very concerned.  So..... off I went to get an ultra sound on my leg and did about 4 hours of testing to ensure there was no blood clot in my leg.... or that the clot hadn't traveled to my lungs. I was positive it wasn't anything serious... but I did have another major panic attack that day. I was told if it was a clot that I would be hospitalize for 2 weeks.... 14 days away from Collin??? That was my biggest concern (I don't really think I realized the danger to myself or to baby this could have brought up).  They called me back into the OB's office and the doctor told me ultra sounds and tests came back and led them to no longer believe there was a clot.  THANK YOU!! Again, just another scare. Other tests came back a little off- oxygen levels were low, iron was low, blood sugar was low, temp was slightly elevated as was my blood pressure. Basically.... I am out of whack, but nothing too concerning YET!  I was just advised to start taking it easy.

Cancer Scare:
Yes... you read that correct. Insane. I will go into MUCH more detail on a separate post. This started about a week after the blood clot scare and went on for about 3 weeks before a diagnosis.

Gestational diabetes:
Literally- the day after I got my diagnosis ^ I was back in the car chugging that nasty sugary drink and driving the 45 minutes back (for like the 8th time) to our hospital/clinic. I was 28.5 weeks. This was just my regular routine/monthly check up with a midwife (my OB doctor had called with everything going on and set up another appointment with her a few days later) but I was still HOPING to get some answers in regards to the tumor diagnosis. I had A LOT of questions.

Unfortunately, the midwife did not have any answers.... in fact, she did not even know what had been going on with me... good one right?? (This hospital does things a little different with prenatal care that I was not super fond of... like never having a set midwife or doctor to see unless you request it or there is a need for it. But we changed that, don't worry). HOWEVER, she did come back in the room to inform me I had failed my glucose test.  HAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAH. Literally, that is all is could do at this point. oh yeah, and say "of course I did". I think the midwife thought I had completely lost my mind. But honestly, can you blame me? Any possible scare you could have happen... has happened. So why not add gestational diabetes to the list?? I figured it was just another scare and got permission to go on vacation with my family for a week and pick up MORE testing when I got back. The entire team agree that was the best thing for baby and I, so off I went to bear lake and to visit my Utah family!!

Every time I had a sweet I would say "I should probably watch what I eat because APPARENTLY I have diabetes..." I honestly did NOT think I did and just rolled my eyes at the thought (plenty of women fail the 1 hour glucose test and find it was just a fluke and go on to pass the 3 hour glucose test).  I was having weekly checkups for other health reasons (tumor) with my OB at this point and every week she was on me about doing my 3 hour glucose test. I kept saying "I know I don't have it.... can I do the one hour again? Or just not worry about it at all?" She agreed that she didn't think I had it but insisted I still HAD to do the test.

Fine. At 32 weeks I finally went in and did that stinking, dreadful 3 HOUR test!! They called the next day: "Kimber? Unfortunately you did not pass your 3 hour test and you have gestational diabetes." She went on to set up times for MORE tests, and MORE appointments with the diabetic specialist. What?!?!? I was shocked!! And heartbroken. And felt SOOO guilty I had waited so long to take the test as those were more weeks I was not eating the best or controlling the diabetes for my sweet little babe and her tiny pancreas. Meh!!

I tried REALLY hard not to "google" anything and to just listen to my OB and diabetes educator (who both were shocked and said it didn't make sense... and just chalked me up for having bad luck this pregnancy)...... but just like any pregnancy related health problem you google, you see the words "stillborn" and read about the risks of further complications. Again... stress.

Luckily my numbers weren't horrible and I was told that I could probably manage the diabetes through diet and exercise alone and probably wouldn't need insulin shots or pills. BUT I did have to follow a VERY strict diet and calorie count.... and check my blood sugar levels at least 4 specific times a day (insert whiny face).  It was TOUGH!!! I totally have a new found respect with anyone with diabetes. I got a teeny tiny glimpse into your world for a very short time.... so I know it doesn't really cound- but I still feel so bad for you!!! I pretty much starved myself for the first few days bc I had no idea what to eat and I really didn't want bad readings.... and lets be honest..... ALL I wanted was carbs!!! and I hated meat and eggs and the word "protein". SOL! I soon figured out (with the help for my specialist) a few things I could eat and got the hang of meals- and carb counting- and I didn't gain a million pounds which was nice. I HATED pricking my finger (I said this whole pregnancy I would rather get my blood drawn a thousand times than to prick my finger. Why does that tiny needle hurt soooooo bad?!). Erik was decent at it and would always do it for me if he was home. But there were at least 2 readings every day that I would have to do myself. And it was the worst!! Especially the one when I first woke up because my hands would be so swollen and I couldn't get myself to bleed so it was take about 13-14 pricks before I could get an accurate reading. Yeah... it sucked!! But after a few weeks I finally started getting the hang of it all and kept reminding myself it could all be MUCH worse!!

Pre-eclampsia:
Unfortunately- this one was not a scare either. At 35 weeks I was showing signs of pre-eclampsia and was hospitalized over night.  I was on strict bed rest to try to allow our sweet girl to grow and develop a little more.  At 36 weeks it turned into severe preeclampsia. Again, another long, detailed post to come on this soon!!

It was a crazy one!! I wasn't lying! But I'd do it ALL over again in a heartbeat for our sweet girl!!