(Warning: this post may sound very depressing, annoying, pathetic...... depending on how you feel about animals. Feel free to skip..... we just wanted to include it in our "journal" to remember the time we went through)
Dear Baxter-
We can't believe it's been one month since you have been gone. We still miss you. We still love you. I still cry everyday for you. I still cry every time I see a soccer ball, or when I walk in the door and you are not there to greet me, or when I get out of the shower very carefully because I am expecting you to be standing on the other side of the door, or when I wake up in the morning- expecting to feel your cold nose next to mine- and you are gone. You have impacted all of us (me, Erik, Sugar) and your lack of presents has changed us all. We will never forget you. We will never have a dog like you.... and in 50 years from now, and many other dogs come and gone...... we will still think "Remember that first dog we had, Baxter..... there is no dog that compares." You were amazing to us. If we can have at least one dog in Heaven with us.... we hope it is you (sorry Sugar, Oakley, and future dogs- hopefully we can have all of you!). We love you Baxter Baby!!
Remember that one day (October 5th)- when I wanted to get a picture of you with your soccer ball in your mouth (because it was so cute). When I said "get the ball baxter!!!" in a really high, annoying voice.... you would always get so excited and grab the ball and shake it from side to side. Not this time.
When this was your response.... I knew right then something was wrong with you. I started crying and told Erik right when he got home. He, of course, thought I was out of my mind and told me I worry too much (and added "what are you going to do when our actual kids get a runny nose??") That night I tossed and turned thinking about you, worried something was wrong. After hours of this, I said my prayers (forgot before I got in bed.... don't judge me), and right away I knew, "Baxter has cancer." I woke up Erik and told him and cried the rest of the night.
The next day, I noticed you had a hard time running up the stairs when I called your name. Other than that, you seemed perfectly normal. I got my hopes up. (Note: I had not worked in 3 full months at this point, and I spent a lot of time with these dogs. I noticed every little thing they did different). The following day (October 7) I got home from class and you always came out with me to get the mail. You stopped at the fence and did not come all the way with me this day. After getting back in the house, I noticed your testicles were three times their normal size (sorry for the TMI to the blogger world). I called the vet immediately, and Erik ran you over there 5 minutes later. This vet (I'm not sure if it was the vet, or Erik trying to keep our hopes alive) said you may have an infection and prescribed you steroids and an antibiotic. He mentioned if it was not an infection, it was most probably lymphoma (cancer of the lymph nodes). You had 2 weeks of meds, and we were to take you back for an evaluation when those were up.
I cried (once again) all night. I knew deep down it was cancer. But our dear sweet Erik and a few other friends and family kept telling me to have faith and keep my head up. You, as well, saw the sorrow in my face every time I looked at you, and you would do all you could (act normal, get up and jump around, play with your ball, wrestle with sugar, etc) just so I would have the slightest bit of hope and not be as sad. I love you for that!
Two days later (Saturday- Oct 9), was the worst day ever!!!!!! When you would randomly look up at us- I could not tell if you were confused as to where you were, or if you simply did not have any control over your body/bladder any more- but you would just start peeing on the carpet, and my heart just broke. We took you on a walk that afternoon, and you tired easily and you could hardly urinate---it was more like a few dribbles (sorry again for the TMI). I knew you prob had a bladder infection and it had to be painful. You just laid by the door with the most painful look in your eyes. I could not stand it!!! Erik and I both looked at each other and said, lets go. We took you to the vet ER because we knew it was much worse than we thought and we hated not knowing the facts. This vet did not sugarcoat ANY thing with you. With you laying on your side at my feet and your head reached over to touch Erik's feet, the vet told us.... this is not an infection. This is lymphoma and it has spread throughout your body. He made us feel the swelling in your neck, on the front of your clavicles (shoulders), behind your legs, just everywhere. I tried to fight back the tears. He said your pelvis and urethra were also pretty swollen and that was probably what was making it so difficult for you to use the bathroom. He also mentioned that you had dropped about 15-20 since your last check up as a "healthy dog" not long ago. I lost the battle against my tears as a squeaked out "so now what?" The vet, giving as all options, but again no hope.... said "well, you could do treatment. We do not offer it here tho. You would have to go to a place about an hour and a half away that specials in that. It would be expensive. He's an old dog- over ten years old. So even with the chemo, he probably wouldn't live long anyway." Our sweet Erik asked, "How much are we looking at." The vet said, "about $4,000+." I sobbed..... loud. We loved you so much Baxter. We would have done anything to have you around longer if we knew it was for the better. This was not the right choice for us. We knew this when the vet continued, "He is in a lot of pain, and I do not think chemo is the right choice for you guys or your dog." He beat around the bush a bit here, but basically told us our only other option was to put you down. I couldn't take this. I struggled for air as I was literally sobbing that hard. You got up and put your head in my lap as to let me know "this will be okay." The vet said we did not have to do it right then (thank goodness!!!! There was no way I would have even been capable of doing it right then). But we did need to make a decision soon.... you were only going to get worse, but the steroids would make your last days bearable. He let us know you would probably not even make it to finish your full two weeks of meds (this made me angry---- at least pretend like there is a little hope!!)
With that, I took you and ran out (okay, more like hobbled out considering I was still in a walking boot) to get some air and not make such a fool of myself as I lost it inside the office. We went to the car where sugar was waiting (I think she knew everything that was going on) and she just kissed you all over.... then on to me as she noticed how hard of a time I was having. We went home and Erik just held me and we cried and cried (yes, Erik cried too.... he probably does not want me telling the world that... but I think it's rather sweet). He told me we do not need to make our decision any time soon (as I struggled to think I HAD to make your death sentence), and we just needed to enjoy our time with you.
So that we did. We went to mothers every single day (because we knew you loved the grass and the fresh air). We gave you all kinds of people food. We cuddled with you nonstop. We both found ourselves, whenever possible, sitting with you.... either to pet you or to play with you. I hope you enjoyed yourself!! You seemed happy. You seemed like the normal Baxter. You ate a TON! You were using the bathroom just fine. You enjoyed your car rides and your walks and would still get excited and jump around. You still played with Sugar. You still greeted me at the door and would jump up on Erik or I whenever we came into your view. I was hopeful!! I knew we would have you longer than that stupid vet said. And decided not to worry about your "death sentence" and we would just know when it was your time.
But with all those good times that gave me hope..... there was the reality of it all. You were dying. Cancer was taking over your body. Day by day you got skinnier. Day by day you were slowing down. If it wasn't bathroom problems, it was wheezing. I did not sleep as I heard you struggling for air every night. I did not sleep as I heard you wondering around the dark house because you could not get comfortable. And that one night when you and sugar were playing/wrestling.... I had the biggest smile on my face and told everyone to watch and you were going to be just fine.... and just like that, everything changed. You randomly got a bloody nose and there was blood everywhere!! All over the carpet, all over me, all over sugar, all over your fur... and when I freaked out you got embarrassed and went and laid in the kitchen. Blood all over the kitchen floor... I mean ALL over.... and it was not stopping. I tried to help you but you just put your head down like you were ashamed. I cried--- do you see a pattern here. Erik again just held me and said he would take care of everything---- again, another pattern?
It was a roller-coaster of a week. And just like that..... cancer took my baby. I cannot believe how fast this AWFUL illness took you. I hope you were not in too much pain! I cried every time I saw you like this.
Sunday (October 17)- You had the best day ever!!!! You were running everywhere, very alert, very lively. My parents made steaks that night and let you and sugs have the left-overs. You guys were in heaven!!! Was that all you needed to make your life complete?
The next day..... was fine. Not as good as Sunday.... but not bad. That night I noticed there was still a full bowl of dog food when we were packing up to go home and thought (hm.... the dogs did not eat much today) and went on with my night.
The next day..... you were done. You had lived your life and did not want to suffer anymore. You knew your time was up. You refused to take your medicine, you refused to eat. We did not want to give up that easy. We did not want YOU to give up. We tried everything. Hiding the steroids in a hot dog (knew it was over when you refused a hot dog.... those were your favorite!!), hiding them in peanut butter, my mom tried giving you a brownie... my dad tried salt just to see if you would eat ANYTHING. Nothing. You were done and were trying to get us all to except this. That day was terrible. My family had grown to fall in love with you and the sweet spirit you were. Even they (who are not huge animal lovers) hurt to see you this way. They all took turns (especially mom and dad) to go out and spend some time with you and try to get you to take your meds just to have another day or 2 with you. I text Erik (who was at work) and told him he need to get the next night off because it was time. And to hurry home because it was the last night with our sweet baby. Leaving my parents house that night was rough. My parents had a hard time saying goodbye (and my sisters refused to say bye). You were not responsive at all at this point. My dad tried convincing me to just let you stay there... but I just wanted one more night with you (I hope that was okay). At my voice, you slowly got up and followed me to the car. You needed a little help, but you got in the car- and into the house. I did get you to eat a little bit of ice cream that night (I justified the ice cream by saying 1. the cold would feel good on you throat and 2. it was simply your last night and I would spoil you all I wanted to!!) The second I tried to sneak in the steroid (yes, I was still trying) you stopped eating once again.
Sugar cuddled a lot with you that night. She was also very very sad! Not the same Sugar at all. I made a bed next to you and laid with you all night. When Erik got off work, he joined us. He struggled that night.... not realizing it got that bad that fast. He just wanted more time with you.
The next day was terrible.... to say the least. We both woke up knowing that this day, October 20th.... was the day you were going to die. What a feeling!!! I have never been so depressed. I left for class early and came back to get ready for work at about 10:30. When I got back from class you did not greet me at the door (Erik and I both said... the moment you stopped greeting us at the door, or the moment you stopped eating.... that would be the time. You did both). I found you laying in the guest bathroom with your head between the bathtub and the toilet. "Please don't be dead!" I remember saying over and over. You were still breathing. Thank goodness. How terrible would that be if I walked in and saw my sweet dog laying there dead??!! I was sad you would not follow me, or respond to me no matter how hard I tried. I cried in the shower, I cried while I got ready for work. you finally came back there to find me. I did not have a chance to wipe up the water from my shower, so you fell. You did not have the strength to get up... so there you were, all 4 paws spread every which direction and you just looked at the ground... knowing you could not get back up on your own. I did the best I could to help you.... but again, my heart just kept breaking more and more. I got you situated on the bathroom mat and said goodbye. I told you I love you very much.... and was dying inside knowing what what going to happen when I came home from work. Off I went.... praying the whole day at work that I would have the strength to do what I need to do when I got off work. I honestly knew I did not.
Erik got home from class that day around 3. He found you, just where I had left you (on the bathroom floor) lifeless. His heart dropped. He freaked out. He loved you just as much as I did... and I honestly can't imagine what was going on in his head. He sat there with you for a long time and cried along with Sugar. He than thought of me (of course- such a sweet man I have) and knew I would be home from work soon and could not see you like that. He called my mom and asked her for help. My mom grabbed one of the lawyers from her work and her suburban and came right over. Together, the men wrapped you up, and carried your lifeless body to the back of the suburban. My mom sat with Sugar to hold her back from you. You were then handed off to the vet. Just one day shy of your 2 week follow-up appointment with him. He assured Erik (with my mom there with him) that we did everything right. He was not in pain for more than a day if he continued eating and playing. And we gave him a great life (who knew what would have happened if we did not rescue him). And some dogs just know. And I think you, my Baxter, were special. You knew that there was no way I could have got you up on that table and said goodbye to you while you were still breathing on your own. But also knew that I could not watch you suffer any more. This was the best possible solution for the worst possible situation. I cannot image what Erik went through.
Were you in a lot of pain? Did we wait too long to decide to put you down? Are you mad at us for trying so long? I'm sorry. I hope not. We did what we thought was right.... but yes, I'm sure we were a little selfish along the way as well. I hope we did everything okay.
Erik waited to tell me what happened until I got off work. I think I already knew deep down. It was rough. But I think Erik had a harder time seeing you lifeless. I could not image. We laid together and cried for a good hour or two. To this day.... I still have the perfect image of you. You were the most beautiful dog. You were the sweetest dog. You were the perfect dog!! You were and still are a part of this family. We love you Baxter babies!!
I'm sorry if I was ever bitter at the fact I felt like you came into our lives just to die on us. Or bitter at your previous owners for treating you (without flaws) so poorly. Or if they abandoned you just because they found out you were sick. I am grateful they let us take care of you those last (crucial) months. I would not change a thing (well maybe a few things). I hope we made your life.... at least the last 4 months..... enjoyable. Worth living. You definitely made ours worth living.
Sugar had the hardest time.... believe it or not (considering we had such a hard time). She was literally depressed. Her best friend was gone. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING got her excited. We took her on walks.... she cried and jumped up on me the whole time (and walks are her favorite, you know that). Not car rides... she would get excited for a second and then before jumping in the car, she would step back to let you go first (like she always did) and then realize you were not coming and would be depressed again. She did not eat, she would not come and get her treats in the morning... she just laid on the couch depressed. We let her sleep with us, and had to give her human food just to get her to eat. We had to get her another dog within 2 days. Not to replace you (nothing could replace you) but just to have her a little friend while we were gone. She did not like him. It was not "Baxter" and she wanted nothing to do with this annoying puppy. She's doing better now, but I know she still misses you.
Erik, like I said, also had a really hard time with you going. You were his buddy! I don't know if it was because you were a male, or if it was your personality. You were always "his dog" and sugar was always my dog in his opinion. He loved playing with you. He always claimed you when we went on walks. When he went to do anything outside it was "I'll take Baxter." He loved, loved loved you. And still does!
I think I goes without saying how I feel. I was heartbroken. And still am. I miss you very very very much.... but I got to admit.... I'm glad that emotional roller-coaster is over. I hated getting my hopes up just to have them crushed within minutes. I hated looking at you knowing that you had cancer and you were dying. Also, I questioned myself. I questioned whether I should be a nurse or not. I hate hate hate cancer... and obviously do not do well with it. I do not do well with bad news. I do not do well with sickness. With dying. And you are "just" my dog (don't worry... I saw you as much more than that).... but what about when dealing with actual humans. Actual kids and babies. Can I do it? Am I going into a profession I can handle?
See.... you affected us a lot!!! But along with questioning my whole college career and life long goal.... you made me realize, "Yes, this is the profession for you." I have my weaknesses to work out... yes. But I clearly have the passion and the compassion that it takes to be in the medical field. The medical field is a special place..... helping people (and animals) is a special feeling. And who knows... maybe I'll go on to research and help find a cure for that stupid STUPID cancer that has taken the lives of so many of those I love very deeply.
We love you Baxter!!!! Rest in Peace. Until we meet again.
